Robert Frost brought the old farmer’s wisdom that “Good fences make good neighbors” into public awareness. I recall hearing and being required to memorize the poem in the early days of my education.
The idea of having good fences or healthy boundaries is a sound one. It has application in many areas of relationships.
Those good fences or boundaries not only make for good neighbors it also makes for establishing safety for yourself.
When it comes to the aftermath of an affair, establishing boundaries is not only a good thing, it’s essential. The biggest problem I’ve encountered is that it rarely happens.
When it comes to affairs, a common problem that happens involves going from one extreme to the other concerning boundaries.
At one extreme are setting weak or non-existent boundaries. When this happens, the spouse setting the boundaries has intentions of establishing them, yet does so in a haphazard manner.
The common mistakes are being inconsistent with them or not making them clear.
In their mind the boundaries are clear, yet to the other spouse, they aren’t. This creates more conflicts and bad neighbors rather than good ones.
At the other extreme are spouses who set up boundaries so high or so quickly that there is no communication. Not only is there no communication, they cut off all access and communication points.
When such strong boundaries are set up, it jarring to the marriage. What is meant for protection becomes a weapon against the cheater itself. When boundaries become weapons, conflict is inevitable.
Healthy boundaries allow for communication and discussion while providing protection. Healthy boundaries are clearly identified. They are not secret walls that just spring up without warning.
Healthy boundaries are also consistent. They don’t change depending on your mood and emotional state. They can be counted on.
The use of the courts in issuing restraining orders and other dictates along with frequent threats are signs that whatever boundaries have been set, haven’t been healthy ones.
If you are struggling with setting boundaries and creating a more constructive situation, you’ll benefit from downloading the video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” which deals with the challenge of setting healthy boundaries.
If you don’t know the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries, you’ll benefit from the video as well.
Consider how healthy boundaries will improve your situation. Download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
