Last month I entered the grandparents club. My oldest son and his wife gave birth to our first grandchild, which is a life changing event.
During the delivery I spent hours in the waiting rooms of the hospital. One of the things I observed was the wide extent of eSlavery going on. Many of those waiting in the delivery area were uncomfortable just sitting there and being with each other.
Rather than just talking with each other, phones were pulled out and used as electronic pacifiers. Family group after family group staring at their screens.
They were ‘locked’ into their phones more than each other. This displayed showed me the extent of eSlavery.
The term eSlavery was coined by Aaron Wolf. I find that it captures the whole concept of the mindset that comes with the need to be in unhealthy relationships via the smartphone.
Although I understand the discomfort of waiting, the extent of eSlavery I saw troubled me. I also realized that some marriages are threatened by eSlavery as much as they are threatened by affairs.
Some affairs are more about eSlavery than they are about the affair. The cheater needs the sense of connection so they look for the relationship via eSlavery.
They feel compelled to text or consume images or chat. The specific method changes, but the need for connection with someone other than you remains constant.
The eSlavery threat is real. It can show up in the form of sex addiction via pornography or threaten your marriage by means of a virtual affair. Your spouse may not even sleep with the lover, but that doesn’t mean that your marriage is safe.
When the relationship via eSlavery takes precedence over their relationship and connection with you, there’s a threat. When the cheater values those relationships ahead of you, they are in what is an affair.
The thing about eSlavery types of affairs is that they have deniability on one level, yet damaged your marriage on another. That dual nature creates a crazy-making feeling.
Their brain is still ‘lit up’ by the relationship, whether or not there was actual sexual activity. They may sincerely say, ‘but we didn’t do anything’ and believe it.
The dual nature of such relationships means that denial is a huge issue in addressing the problem.
Dealing with the virtual affair that comes with eSlavery requires many of the same interventions needed in overcoming a sexual affair. Keeping such relationships from developing again requires addressing Affair Relapse concerns.
It also requires connecting with each other rather than with other relationships.
Just stopping the other relationship is not enough. You’ll need ways of interrupting patterns that pull them back into their old ways. If you don’t change the patterns, they can easily slide back into them.
This is where the video, “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” can help the two of you deal with this problem and find ways of making your marriage better.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
