Although some of you may assume or have heard that adultery is a ‘victimless crime’, the reality is that more damage is done than you may realize. Besides the possible physical damage due to communicable diseases, there are the emotional and mental damage that occurs.
The issues of how the brain and neural networks are rewired with affairs has been addressed in many previous posts. The area ignored is how the heart and emotions are changed.
The desire and level of emotional intensity within the marriage changes. Times that used to be special are changed into something that’s no longer special.
What was once spontaneous responses from your spouse change into mechanical operations. The special relationship you once shared is no longer unique.
It’s not that different than the the relationship the cheater has with their lover. The only difference is that your relationship has some legal protections.
These are just some of the emotional and relational changes that happen. Another one is that the cheater wants MORE.
They are seeking stimulation at a new level. The new higher level of stimulation or ‘new high’ is what they’re after.
New connections have been formed in their brain. Those connections change how they think and what they feel.
They want more sex, more attention, more whatever. They’re no longer content with you and no longer enjoy just your company.
Rather than deal with the real issues surrounding ways of making your marriage work better, they seek gratification of their new high as a way of fixing things.
They want more. The dissatisfaction with what your relationship provided in the past creates tension in your marriage. The emptiness the cheater now has is part of the consequences of the affair.
The affair provides a high that combines doing the forbidden with sexual stimulation and the primacy effect. The combination of those is powerful.
You can’t compete with that powerful combination.
It’s not that you’re inadequate. They’ve changed and become another person.
The answer requires changes with them and you. They will need a ‘re-calibration’ of their emotions and the two of you will need better connection with each other.
In overcoming the affair, these changes need to be talked about. The cheater will have to honestly deal with the changes and practice self-restraint.
Since you are their spouse, you’ll be going through the struggle with them. If you think that it is up to you to totally satisfy their modified needs, you may find yourself overwhelmed.
You were once able to meet their needs. The modified and supercharged needs have become inhuman and ‘freakish’. You will need to be aware of that and talk about what are healthy needs versus ‘freakish’ needs and how to adjust back to those previous levels.
For more help in dealing with affairs, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find places for discussing these issues and others.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Something I just thought about …isn’t it interesting that the ‘sexual revolution’ came at the same time as a broad use of ‘recreation” mind altering drug use ?
“pharmakeia’ being the Greek word translated as” witchcraft.” in this verse….interesting .
Gal 5:19 Now 1161 the works 2041 of the flesh 4561 are 2076 manifest 5318, which 3748 are 2076 [these]; Adultery 3430, fornication 4202, uncleanness 167, lasciviousness 766,
Gal 5:20 Idolatry 1495, WITCHCRAFT 5331, hatred 2189, variance 2054, emulations 2205, wrath 2372, strife 2052, seditions 1370, heresies 139,
WITCHCRAFT
Strong’s G5331 – pharmakeia
1) the use or the administering of drugs
2) poisoning
3) sorcery, magical arts, often found in connection with idolatry and fostered by it
4) metaph. the deceptions and seductions of idolatry
Zaza,
You are very observant. It did come at a time when recreational drug use became popular. The other event that happened at that time was the popularization of birth control pills along with the increased use of penicillin to combat VD. At that time, many thought that VD was a thing of the past with the medications. The combination of all those events fueled the sexual revolution in my opinion.
I agree….and prior to that was the church turning to doctrines of moral-ism rather than a personal relationship with the Lord who warned us …the unraveling of individual integrity has led to the fragmenting of our society and a representative government that reflects this ‘serve me first’ generations …