Ending relationships is not the easiest thing to do. There will be friends telling you just to ‘end it’. They view it as just that simple, “break it off”. They may be able to do it that easy, like turning off a light switch, they turn off their emotions and feelings.
A reader was recently looking for help in ending their relationship with a married man. If you are in that situation, you know what’s involved and what’s at stake.
Ending relationships always entails loss. Someone, if not everyone ends up loosing before it is all over. You’ll love some emotional security, fun times and a good friend. You’ll also lose hopes and dreams of ‘what could’ve been’.
For some of you, it’s a mere goodbye, for others it is about denying yourself and feeling a part of yourself shrivel up and watching your dreams die. Ending relationships is always harder than starting them.
It’s important considering what’s best for you, he and his family. In all likelihood, he’s put you ahead of them for a long time. That means someone’s been suffering.
You’ll have to consider what’s for the best for all those concerned and not just yourself.
When the relationship you have to end is with a married man it can be either easy or hard. The longer you or they drag it out, the more painful it will be. Since the relationship did not start off on a solid foundation, it was never going anywhere.
Such relationships are self-destructive from the start. You may have to “fast forward the movie” and see where it will be in order to see that it is going nowhere.
When you see where it leads, it can give you the strength to end it now. When you ‘count the cost’, an affair with a married man is never worth it.
Sure they have money and affection, but to make a relationship last, it takes more than that. The money, sex and affection may make for fun times, but it’s not strong enough for a solid relationship.
The promises of how they will leave their wives should tell you something. If they did it to their wives, what is keeping them from doing it to you?
Since men are often creatures of habit, what will prevent that habit from happening again?
Although not specifically designed for the lover, the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” can help you and him through the challenge ahead of you. IT helps reduce the confusion and feeling of being lost while wondering what to do. The cleaner the break-up the sooner both of you will start recovering.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Hi Jeff,
I thought the photo you accompanied this post with hilarious!
As for the ‘breaking up’ part with a married man …what woman with any sense of self worth thinks being courted by a married man is a compliment! They must get a clue.
Men who seemingly cannot bring themselves to rise to the challenges of a real relationship with the woman they went down the isle with…vowed before God and everyone that SHOULD matter to them ….and has a family with …are NOT secure in themselves!
They are looking to prove something and it is ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
This is a recipe for disaster…a selfish , shallow, self centered personality which tries to GET some kind of identity by way of how many or what kind of women they can ‘get’ to fall for them!
The women who do this kind of thing also are lacking a whole lot of character despite their reasons.
Sadly NO ONE wins…even if the guy leaves the wife and family he has for her …or a married woman leaves a husband …and some even leave children for their new ‘entertainment feature ‘ they call ‘love’ …are fooling themselves.
The level of character that is in display is something many should have left behind in junior high …or better yet should have had better character built in them BEFORE 7th grade!
What a waste of time this kind of person is …no matter how they may look like a matinee idol….pure oil slick…
RUN LIKE THE WIND ….there is another one like buses coming your way if that is the kind of individual you draw to you …CHANGE your world view …and develop a spine and a heart for those who your use ….that perspective should go a long way to helping you decide the ‘right thing’ to do!
I told one woman who my husband was trying to ‘console’ when her husband was treating her badly ..[ I did not know that she was a married woman at the time] I told her that if she believed in God and believed He wanted the best for her than another woman’s husband was not going to be the ‘best’ for her!
Men who seek to cheat or seek to obtain their identity from how many or what kind of women they can get ….are insecure and lacking understanding of manhood.
Lived and learned.
Zaza,
I always appreciate your insights. This is a challenging issue. My understanding is that women that have affairs with married men often enjoy the ‘goodies’ associated with the affair without the risk of commitment. Some like this arrangement, since it is akin to keeping a pet on a leash. They know the relationship is not going anywhere and are fine with that.
The story of married men who promise to leave their wives is common, yet for some women that is not a factor. There are some lovers who want the married man to leave their wives, for them it is a problem. There are also some lovers who use the vulnerability of the married man to exploit them. They know that they have a captive audience which they can manipulate to their advantage, as you well know. They can squeeze the money out of them, without having the messy commitments. Sadly, once children are involved, the courts often become their friends in pressuring the men to support them. The married man becomes a sugar daddy who they can choose to see or not see on their terms.
Yes I’m aware of the various angles people’s minds get twisted in concerning what ‘benefits’ are perceived in the arrangements you describe…however few , if honest , will reveal the total wasted life that results of these kind of arrangements. Even some hard boiled feminists or peter pans have eventually run up against the reality of their choices….There is no escaping the down side…even when loads of cash is exchanged….
I can think of a few billionaires who ended up messed up due to their philandering …and some even end up with violence or mental illness conditions…Just see this as lose lose …even though the media world likes to put a smoothed face on it…
Of course when people don’t believe in any kind of future downside…the present ‘presents’ seem shiny and ‘free’ of cost….Just because it may ‘work ‘ for you at the time of the ‘high’ …doesn’t mean you escape the cost….and as we know many who are not even part of the party …end up paying a bill for those who have no thought for the costs …to others …and themselves.
Deception is not on the radar of those who are deceived…
Extra Extra read all about it …any day of the week.
I know this will be unpopular but I’m a single OW in a 15+ year affair with a married man. I’m financially secure, I love my career, my kids that I’ve raised as a single parent, I have a pretty great life. And so much of what you wrote (and what I’ve seen so many others write) is just not accurate. There are so many cliches that people take as affair reality. There are no “goodies†like what you were suggesting in my affair. The few material things that, in fifteen years, have come up – occasional gifts for birthdays, holidays or flowers for special occasions have NOTHING to do with why I love this man. He never “promises†that he will leave his wife so we can ride off into the sunset. We just always had bad timing. I knew him BEFORE he married – back when I was married. We have long had feelings for each other. By the time I divorced HE had married. It’s complicated. But I love him. I know he loves me. And he loves his wife, too. In fact, they have a pretty good relationship even though she doesn’t know thing about me. I would never want anything to come out to jeopardize that for him. I’m not plotting away at how I’m going to “steal him away.†Does it make me sad that I’ll never “really†be his and vice versa? Sure. But life is FULL of sad, difficult things that have no easy answers – or sometimes any answers at all.
Heidi,
Thank you for writing. I understand how you said “I know this will be unpopular”. Any post I make that tries understanding an affair from the lover’s viewpoint is met with STRONG reactions from the readers.
Much like all cheaters are not the same, neither are all the lovers (OW/OM). Not everyone is driven by the same motivations. I thank you for sharing about your experiences. They are unlike many of the situations I’ve encountered.
Many cheaters do love their spouses and enjoy the no promises/no commitments that some affairs offer. Your comments make it clear that you do care for him and have no plans for stealing him away from his wife. Some OW do have ulterior motives.
You are very correct in there being no easy answers. You’re description of “it’s complicated” definitely apply for everyone involved.
Regards,
Jeff