The question keeps coming up “Is it an affair if there was nothing physical?”. Many cheaters dismiss that they had an affair since there was ‘nothing physical’.
Although such excuses are used in placating their conscience, the reality is that an affair did occur. The cheater put another man or woman ahead of you.
The cheater is no longer forsaking all others besides you. Instead they are putting others ahead of you.
Your wedding vows likely contained the phrase, “Forsaking all others, being faithful only to your spouse so long as you both shall live…” That means they put you ahead of others. When the others are put ahead of you, there are problems.
The question becomes “How severe is the problem?”, NOT whether or not there is a problem or whether there is an affair.
Getting caught up in definitions of an affair is a ‘tar baby’ scenario (if you are familiar with Joel Chandler Harris). The questions should be whether or not they were 100% faithful, or whether they are forsaking all others.
When there is an emotional attachment to the lover,.. there is an affair.
When the cheater keeps secrets from you, they are putting the lover and themselves ahead of you. In such cases, they are forsaking you for others.
When the object of their affections is focused on the lover rather than you, they are not being faithful. When they made their marriage vows, they promised, Before God that YOU are their priority. When anything or anyone else takes precedence over you, it can be called an affair.
The excuse, “there was nothing physical” is lame. The same could be said of gamers who spend hours playing and enjoying their games.
They did not physically accomplish anything. They touched nothing, they accumulated nothing. Nothing physical happened, yet, they experienced intense emotions.
They feel accomplished, whether they ‘leveled up’, ‘defeated the boss’ or finished the game. In their minds, something did happen. It was also very real to them, even though “there was nothing physical”.
If you had hooked up an EKG or EEG, there would have been significant activity, despite the claim that ‘nothing physical happened’. Although the action only happened in their head and body, it was real, it was measurable.
Saying ‘nothing physical happened’ is only a ploy to redefine an affair. It tries making the definition of an affair limited to physical coitus. If your marriage vows states, “refusing to have coitus with all others…”, they may have a leg to stand on.
The vows deal with loyalties and emotional attachments. They address whether or not one spouse puts others ahead of who they made their vows to.
The term ‘forsake’ deals with them turning their back on other suitors. Forsaking means ignoring those attempting to flirt with them, it means disregarding those who make advances, it means you shut the door to extra-marital relations that can impinge on your marriage.
Instead of arguing over what is or is not physical, you would be better off going back to the vows and what ‘forsaking’ and ‘being faithful’ mean. Did the cheater forsake you?
Was the cheater being faithful in their texting and photo sharing?
Were they being faithful with their time and affections?
If they were being less than faithful, it was an affair. You need to admit, and they need to admit it.
If there has been an affair, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” with its downloadable presentation gives you the guidance you need in recovering from what happened. You’ll gain new ways of connecting with your spouse. You’ll know what to bring up along with what not to bring up.
The workshop also addresses ways of rebuilding intimacy in your relationship and knowing where to make changes that make a difference.
Best Regards,
Jeff
