Fear is an emotion that has several different effects on human behavior. Some of these effects are beneficial, while others are detrimental. One patent effect of fear is to induce the so-called “fight or flight” response, in which a person either fights with or runs away from whatever is frightening them.
Another related effect of fear is to cause people to engage in self-defeating behaviors.
One major reason why humans have evolved to have a fight or flight response is their need to protect themselves from threats. In completing either of these two tasks, people feel that they are acting in ways that will lead to their own self-preservation. If a person feels threatened, the brain automatically signals them to engage in some action that protects them from the greater threat.
Have you ever considered which comes first, fear or self-defeating behaviors? Although on the surface it seems like one of those hard-to-answer questions, there’s a clear answer.
Fear and self-defeating behavior are often such close companions, it’s hard to tell where one stops and the other begins. When you are surrounded by them, it’s confusing to tell the difference between them.
In the case of fear and self-defeating behavior, the self-defeating behavior came first. The fear comes afterward. You fear others will discover your self-defeating behavior. That behavior is hurting your marriage, the likelihood of your success, and your self-confidence.
You fear that others will discover your self-defeating behavior because you have been taught to believe that it’s a bad thing.
Your fears affect all your daily decision-making. The hard question is “How do your fears affect your daily decision-making?”
A couple of examples are:
Behavior patterns that may tend to promote or maintain problems in living, such as substance abuse and violence.
Patterns of thought and/or action reflect a disturbance in the perception or regulation of reality.
Problems with interpersonal relationships where you continue making the same mistakes with the same negative outcomes.
The affair and dealing with it exposes your self-defeating behaviors.
This is one reason why there’s resistance to working on your marriage relationship from either you, your spouse, or both.
You being fearful about what might happen or what you’ll do when you discover when the relationship issues become real. At that point, you can no longer hide behind ignorance.
The fear of discovery and the self-defeating behavior are so closely related, that they might as well be part of the same problem.
Self-defeating behaviors can cause or exacerbate problems such as those listed above.
Once an affair happens, there is a label attached to both of you that shapes how you view and deal with the world. Everything is filtered through the affair, including self-defeating behavior.
Hiding self-defeating behavior only creates more fear. Facing it means that you and your spouse will make some changes. Changes mean that your self-defeating behavior will be exposed.
The truth is that it’s only going to be healed with the two of you working on it together rather than hiding it from each other. This is the reason for including an emphasis on improving communication in the download “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
I know that the path to healing goes through openly dealing with those tough issues and self-defeating behaviors. The two of you need each other in overcoming the deficits each of you struggles with.
Each day you delay is another day when you focus on preserving relationships with those not close to you in favor of the relationships that matter most.
I point out what areas need attention in a way that brings transformations in your marriage relationship. Rather than your marriage just getting a new paint job, you can have a new level of intimacy and closeness as the two of you finally address those areas that have needed attention a long time.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
