When counseling with couples there often comes a time when one spouse comments “That’s exactly how I feel'” At that moment, there is a sense of connection. Counselors experience it as validation from the partner. Couples experience it as a sense of relief that somebody finally understands them, or at least said what they were feeling.
The amazing thing is that on making such a connection, the whole relationship and energy in the room changes. The spouse feels validated. Their experience is finally put into words that another human understands.
Counselors experience it as a sense of relief. Their client’s experience is finally put into words and the counselor can now connect with them more deeply and begin to make a difference.
That sense of ‘validation’ and connection is powerful. It’s at those moments that relationships start changing.
But how often do we validate ourselves? How often do we put our own experiences into words that another human understands?
The paradox of validation is that they often involve painful emotions. The better I can put into words the painful emotion they are experiencing, the greater the expression of relief comes out when making a connection. Often this ‘connection’ comes with tears.
Why?
These are raw emotions that have been experienced but not validated by another human being for a long time. It’s why they seem to have “bottled” up inside and come out in response to finally having their experience acknowledged and put into words. I was reminded of the ‘paradox of validation’ when a reader commented ‘spot on’ to a recent post. His comment told me that although I addressed a painful topic, he experienced some relief in that someone else understood what he’s going through.
When we don’t validate our own experiences, we can end up feeling isolated and alone. Our emotions can seem to have no outlet and we can feel like nobody else understands us.
That’s why it’s so important to validate ourselves. To put our experiences into words that another human understands. There are times in your life when you suddenly feel hopeful at the moment someone else understands. Expressions like “You get me!” or “Finally!” are common ways of expressing this.
At such moments, you feel like someone is now on your team. You are no longer alone and isolated in your emotions. Things finally make sense!
There’s something hopeful about when you’re finally listened to and understood. When you are finally able to put into words all your internal angst and turmoil, there’s relief.
Being able to finally put your experience into words gives you a sense of control over it. Even though you haven’t changed anything, just nailing down what you’re going through is a HUGE breakthrough in your recovery from the affair.
If you’re looking for that kind of breakthrough, consider how you are going about it. This is why communication comes so early in the unique sequence of affair recovery presented in the “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
You need that connection in order for the two of you to work together. Making such a connection is easier when you have the tools for doing it. Although you think you’re a great communicator, the recent affair is a sure sign that communication isn’t as great as you thought.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
