One of the myths in the wide, wide world of cheaters is “You can control an affair.” There may even be claims along the lines that “You can have your cake and eat it too” or “You can have all the fun and none of the mess“. These are affair myths luring many cheaters into traps.
In terms of controlling affairs, how can you control any relationship?
Relationships by their very nature involve the dynamic of people relating or interacting with each other. The moment you attempt controlling a relationship, you lose the love. You may make them do what you want, but lose key components.
You lose the spontaneity. You can have love, or you can have control. You can’t have both.
When you’re dealing with adults, you’re already not ‘in control’. Adults feel and do things outside of your control. Any relationship you are ‘in control’ of is already pathological and unhealthy.
The desire to control is at the root of all family pathology.
Anytime you interact with people, you risk bonding and connecting with them. You risk being vulnerable.
You may be able to control behaviors, yet, when it comes to emotions and emotional connections, you don’t have control. There may be self-discipline, which modulates and regulates emotions.
But, in all honesty how many cheaters do you know which have self-discipline. By their very nature of cheating, they don’t have control.
For cheaters, ‘control’ is an illusion. They may control the flow of information, and limit who know what about the affair, but they can’t control the emotions of other people.
If they could control their spouse, the likelihood of an affair would be small, at least in the logic of cheaters.
Another fallacy about ‘controlling’ the affair is who or what do you control?
Does the cheater control themselves, the lover or you?
Do they try to be the puppet master of everyone involved?
If they could control just one of the parties involved, it takes a tremendous amount of resources. It drains you trying to control the emotions, the behaviors, and all possible scenarios.
Being a puppet master drains you.
Some wealthy people assume they control things. Money can be used to rent loyalty, but that’s not true control. Rented loyalties have an expiration date.
In terms of relationship dynamics, if you could control the whole affair, it would be short-lived. Human relationship dynamics are always changing. Those involved may accommodate your control systems, yet people are dynamic.
They’re always changing. What you did in attaining the illusion of control will have to be adjusted and modified as they accommodate each of your systems.
To sum up what I am saying, by their very nature, affairs can not be controlled. The more passion involved in an affair, the less the control possible.
The appeal to cheaters that they can have ‘all the fun and none of the mess’ is actually a call to pathology. If Ashley Madison and Victoria Milan were honest, they would advertise, “We deliver unhealthy, sick relationships. The sooner you get into a sick relationship, the more you can lie to yourself about your meaningless life and pretend that your happy”.
Ads like that don’t appeal to customers. Instead they appeal to the desire to be happy without telling them that all they are getting is a hook-up with someone who is emotionally sick.
Since control appeals to unhealthy people, they fall for it. The liar is often the first person willing to believe a lie. The lie of controlling the affair appeals to their sick, unhealthy thinking.
-Cheaters by their very nature are not in control of themselves. Thinking they can control others is beyond their skill set.
-Human relationships are dynamic. By being dynamic, they are always changing, adjusting and modifying themselves.
-Only behavior and communication can be controlled. Emotions and bonding, by their very nature are not fully controllable.
If you are dealing with an affair mess, the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you in moving past it. Your marriage relationship needs help.
The workshop guides you in ways of improving communication, increasing intimacy and renegotiating roles and responsibilities. It guides you in what to do along with what to avoid doing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
