On discovering that your spouse is cheating, one of the common reactions is ‘lashing out’. You lash out at both your spouse and the lover.
With that rude awakening you look for patterns either with the cheater or with the lover. You want to make sense out of what you just discovered.
When you find patterns, you now have a target for your rage. I use the term rage based on the intense anger which drives the lashing out. You want to hurt them, like they hurt you.
When your marriage is in this kind of danger, it’s not time for ‘playing nice’. There truly is a time when it’s not wise to ‘just get along’ with each other.
If you are one that wants to take the high road, filled with being reasonable and getting along with all parties, you’re in for heartaches. In such cases, you’re being dishonest with yourself.
I don’t advocate violence. I believe these situations can be handled without violence.
Although violence is discouraged, such times call for honesty in terms of identifying and expressing your own intense anger. It’s also a time for taking action. Sitting back and waiting for sudden miracles can put you in a position of passive vulnerability.
When you are ‘waiting’ and ’emotionally raw’, you’re at risk of being hurt. The reality is that everyone involved is going to get hurt and experience loss before it’s all over.
At such times, its’ tempting to believe that your spouse will realize what they are losing. Although you want them to return home and the two of you live happily ever after, those kind of endings require action.
First, you need to get yourself together emotionally. If you’re a hot emotional mess, there is little motivation for your spouse to return. In the video ‘Getting past the Affair Crisis’, I address the common mistakes betrayed spouses make. In your anger and rage, you may be pushing your spouse away rather than drawing them back to you.
There are things you can say and do that change your relationship. You’ll also benefit from knowing where your focus need to be in order to improve the likelihood of recovering from the affair.
The affair doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. It does mean the end of old unhealthy patterns in your relationship.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
