A few weeks ago, I received an email posing the question, “Are personality disorders common among those spouses who insist or try to coerce a husband or wife into swinging?” Ironically, at that time, I had just finished the November special report on Parent Alienation Syndrome, where narcissistic and borderline personality disorders were common.
The question gave me some additional perspective on the topic of personality disorders which frequently show up all along the continuum of affair related issues. At this point, I haven’t seen research on definitive numbers of personality disorders that are involved with swinging and affairs.
Although I don’t have any numbers, I have some observations and thoughts on the topic.
I wondered “What is it about these disorders that share a common problem of dysfunctional relationships that makes them so common with affair related issues?”
The first answer is that struck me was that unhealthy relationship solutions are attractive to those with unhealthy relationship problems. When you don’t have healthy relationships, the unhealthy ones start looking attractive.
The second was that healthy relationships require effort. They require things like self restraint and self discipline. Unhealthy relationships have lower requirements.
Instead of self restraint and self discipline, you have self indulgence and self expression (often at the expense of others). You have sex with few if any strings attached, or so you assume.
Affairs are a way of jumping into relationships with only the minimum amount of effort. You become a part of someone’s life without commitments, without trust and without honesty.
One problem with that is that the easier the affair begins, the greater the risk of the person being unhealthy you’re in the affair with. It takes time and effort building a relationship with healthy people.
Years ago, my dad told me “If it’s easy getting into her pants, rest assured, you’re not the first, nor will you be the last!” I’ve seen his comment proven time and time again.
Coercing your spouse or someone else’s spouse into infidelity is not the hallmark of a healthy relationship. It’s just the opposite. When you resort to coercion, it’s being driven by manipulation more than love.
When you resort to using alcohol or drugs as part of coercion, what you are heading into isn’t healthy. The inclusion of such items indicates dysfunction rather than health.
When you are ready to start making changes and recover from the dysfunction, join the Restored Lifestyle site. There you’ll find forums, videos, direction, answers, support and encouragement for helping move past those dark parts of your relationship.
You don’t have to keep hurting or suffering, unless you want to.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
