As you go through recovery from the affair, there are many items that you and your spouse struggle to see the other person’s perspective. Neither of you are stupid, yet there are some areas where understanding each other is a struggle.
One of those areas is how an affair is an attack on you. When you tell them that you feel attacked by the affair, they react with claims about how “I never meant to hurt you” or “it wasn’t about you“.
Their response defends what they did more than understanding what you’re telling them. The idea that what they did was an attack doesn’t register in their brain.
They don’t get that what happened was an attack. They don’t comprehend that what they did damaged more than they thought it did.
They attacked your position as their spouse. They attacked the one-man, one-woman relationship. They attacked the sanctity of your marriage.
Let me reassure you that the affair was an attack on you. It invaded of a private area of your life.
The lover stole something that rightfully belongs to you. The cheater may claim that they have say so over their own body, but that control was surrendered at the wedding.
It’s only natural that you take an invasion of personal space personally. Sure, the cheater never intended for it to be a personal attack.
There’s a HUGE difference between intentions and what actually happened. Like a shot that goes wild, they may not have aimed at you, but it certainly hit you.
The affair attacked the security of your marriage. The affair attacked your peace of mind. The affair stole into your brain and fantasies.
Attacks come in many forms, from gaslighting to choking and manhandling. Threats are also forms of attacks.
When you’ve been attacked, it matters little whether it was intended or unintended, whether it was direct or indirect. Once you’ve been attacked, you take it personally.
That personal wound keeps you from connecting with your spouse like you did. Like all wounds, it needs care and healing. That healing starts when you give yourself permission to heal.
One way of giving yourself permission to heal is getting the help you need. In my video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis”, I address ways of getting your started with the healing of your wounding.
Arguing over the intentions only leads to more attacks and more wounding. Instead of keeping the cycle of hurting and blaming going, now is a good time for starting your healing.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
