When cheaters are deep into what they are doing, they are often unresponsive to standard confrontations. For this reason, when you confront them and break through the secrecy, you will need to take a new angle. You will need to share how the affair has impacted you personally and emotionally. You will need to let them know what you have experienced WITHOUT blaming them. (When you start blaming, they will tune you out, even though it may be true). You will also need to give specific examples of what you experienced. Making general statements are a sure way of getting ignored.
The cheater will need to believe that you care about them. They will need to feel that what you are doing will help them. When in the affair, they are in a self-centered mindset. Putting things in a format that bypasses their defenses is a way to get your message heard. You want them to hear what you are telling them. Taking this approach adds ‘umph’ to your message.
Since they are in that selfish mindset, they often react strongly to the attitude behind the message. If you are doing what you are doing out of anger or paybacks, they will sense it and react to the attitude no matter what your message is.
That means you may need to practice and rehearse things before you actually do it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
Did this….it did not penetrate …he chose his children of the adultery over working on the marriage and told me so …staying ‘married’ but not investing in it …living upstairs…I am guessing it is simply a situation whereby he is supporting us financially …which is good …but not interested in connecting with me or entering into our marriage AS a ‘marriage’ in truth . He likes his independent ‘protected’ lifestyle.
I was reading about ‘sexual addicts’ some …I don’t think he is a sexual addict but some of the things that they said motivates this kind of behavior …and a desire to live in denial and in an altered reality stokes this kind of behavior.
The lifestyle today is more and more directing people into the desire for a fantasy or false reality rather than take personal responsiblity …money and ‘free’ time is considered an entitlment and especially money managing offeres someone the ‘power’ to avoid consequences….
Your advice here is excellent but it does not guarentee that the other person is going to be effected by whatever your offering is ..pride often causes them to reject anything of the idea that your motive it to help them because they do not think they need help!
Zaza,
You are right, having the right attitude does not guarantee that things will work out. There is not a silver bullet or magic pill that will suddenly turn things around Since you are dealing with a relationship, there are no on/off switches that bring instant results. Relationships are built on a series of interactions over time. Attitude is a key component in building a foundation of positive interactions.