Having the capacity to love is foundational to your having a healthy marriage. When you or your spouse do not have the capacity to love, there are problems. In order to have a loving marriage, you need the capacity to give and receive love.
In other words, you and your spouse have to have the ability to give and receive love. If you do not have a large ability to give and receive love, it will limit what can happen in your marriage. It will limit the health and vibrancy of your marriage.
Although each of us has some capacity to love, that capacity is not always used in ways that are healthy for your marriage. The ability to love may be there, yet when it is pointed in the wrong direction, there will be problems.
The type of problems that develop in a marriage depend on how the capacity to love is redirected.When it is not used on developing a ‘healthy’ kind of love, what is it used for?
In the case of the narcissist, the capacity to love is often used in expanding their narcissism. Their narcissism expands and grows ever larger at the expense of love. They can demand love and talk about love, yet struggle in loving others. Their limited ability to love others often creates relationship conflicts.
If you have found yourself struggling with a narcissist, you know how painful this is. It may feel like they flipped a switch and suddenly the current and energy are flowing in a totally different direction. The ‘flipping of the switch’ is often sudden.You are not going crazy when the flipping of the narcissism emotion switch occurs.
That switch may be totally turning the feelings off, suddenly change the kind of emotion or into a sudden rage. This is often referred to as narcissistic rage. When raging, they often have a way of making you think that it is your fault.
For the narcissist, turning feelings on and off is common. For them, emotions are about getting their needs met. Emotions are not their expression of love, but rather their way of manipulating and controlling others. This mean that if you are expecting them to enjoy just being with you and want to share with you, it is not going to happen. For a narcissist, it is all bout themselves. Everything is driven by a “What’s in it for me?” mentality.
When they do want love from you, there may be times you wonder if you can ever love them enough. By their very nature, they have an emotional wound needing constant attention and care. Their demand for love is akin to a bottomless pit they are seeking to fill. They may fill it directly with demands for love, demands for sex, demands for attention or constant need for reassurances or compliments. They need a constant pumping up to stay functional.
You may even find yourself waking up one day and wondering “Who is this person?” since they have so radically changed. You suddenly find that you no longer feel like a spouse, but rather a toy that they ‘use’ and abuse on their whims. You suddenly find that you are considered the ‘bad’ spouse in their eyes.
What makes the ‘bad’ spouse role more painful is that the more you try to reach out to them, the ‘badder’ they make you feel. When you reach out, it is more like you are punished, rather than rewarded. When you are caught in this bind, you may think that something really is wrong with you.
It never occurred to you that something has gone wrong with them. The cheater may know how to have sex and show romance, but there is a definite drop in their capacity to truly love. The ‘flipping of the switch’ is a common occurrence with narcissists. Understanding what is going on will help you keep your sanity and make it through the affair recovery without self-destructing.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
9 Responses
Yes….And another point….God is love …We are told in scripture that those who do not know Jesus Christ do not know the Father …because it is through Jesus Christ that the Father …LOVE is revealed…..Revealed through the Word of GOD .
Emotions and feelings as you point of are good when we govern our hearts…the Bible tells us to GUARD the heart ..by way of keeping in mind what is right or wrong to invest our focus, time and energy on.
For this reason I believe Jesus gave us wise counsel in telling men to beware of what they SAW and then dwelt upon in their minds….the verses that warn of looking upon a woman and lusting after her in his heart …being adultery …is I believe because what you think about and dwell upon eventually you will most likely begin to ACT upon.
I used to always know when my husband was going to buy a new car …he began by looking ..then began to talk more and more about it …and some time soon after would drive it home!
When a man looks and keeps looking and begins to entertain the images of a woman …other than his wife …then his satisfaction with his wife will dwindle….comparison is encouraged in our day and time….advertising is designed to feed dissatisfaction with our status quo.
God tells us to ‘be content ‘ to practice contentment by thankfulness and loyalty to our spouse.
There are two verses right together….in contrast.
The world says “gain is godliness’ but right after it exhorts that ‘godliness is GREAT gain’ and that about sums up the necessity we have to think about what we think about and reign it in by God’s wisdom.
How a person increases his ‘narcissism ‘ is as the Word of GOD tells us …flesh is never satisfied. If we walk by the flesh it is death …it is all consuming and never full. If we walk by the spirit of GOD which is found in the Word in Jesus Christ …it is life and life eternal.
How people need to know that the natural state of man is fallen …it is not as GOD intended for mankind …but in the Fall …the disobedience and rebellion ..the ‘kettle of fish’ of sin brought man to destruction and death . The judgment upon sin is death …but Jesus Christ paid the full price that sin demands for all who receive Him and believe that He was our full payment making him worthy of our loyalty to heed him as LORD and as those who believe in Him and the resurrection …that HE was raised up from the death of the cross….we receive not just eternal life but the capacity to reject the law of sin and learn to live according to the life giving spirit of GOD found in Christ and learned by His Word.
Awesome deliverance from Narcissism…all who will to believe…who get sick and tired of being sick and tired….it sure beats the alternative …So worth it!
Thanks for clarifying the state that some find themselves in when in a relationship with one who is dead in trespasses and sin and has been leading such a blind and hopeless life consumed with self.
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
People consumed with SELF will be consumed BY SELF….seek repentance and LIVE!
Just heard a great quote:
” When you are discontented from GOD you will be discontented with life.”
Zaza,
That is a wonderful quote. It contains a mountain of truth and insight.
Opps …I meant ‘When you are DISCONNECTED from GOD you will be discontented with life’
Thanks Jeff ..sorry I had to use so many posts!
People think that Christians are not genuine if we have struggles and find pain in situations that anyone would feel …in fact the more you care about someone the deeper the wound is and the pain of adultery is DEEP as you well know….I appreciate that your supportive site helps people have some perspective on the things we encounter ..
Even Jesus told us in this life we would have tribulation but be of good cheer “I have overcome the world’ …and he also told them that in marriage they would encounter difficulties…any time people join together there is going to be a necessity to adjust.
The fairie tales people believe tend to destroy the great marriage that they could enjoy if they did not expect perfection in their own life and then the people they join in marriage with ! Only superficial relationships avoid the depths of what can bring greater enjoyment and relationship.
Perhaps those who avoid deeper relationship feel so inadequate or superior that they do not want anyone to realize their imperfections ….sad ….the swinging pendulum has little peace for those who insist upon everything going their own way ,,,,”Zippidy doo dah …Zippidy Aye ,everything ‘s goin’ my way “was only in the movies [Song of the South] and I think it was speaking more of the personal attitude that made the best of a situation rather than running from it!
Zaza,
Christians are definitely not immune from the trials and hurts of affairs, nor from the temptations. The main difference is that they have resources and answers that others are not aware of. Even then, they do not always either make use of the resources or act like who they are.
I liked your reference to the fairy stories. There is a lot of truth in that comment. There are the various fictional story lines that lead people astray such as “Prince Charming will take me away from all this!”, the expectation of ‘living happily ever after’, the belief that magic will somehow save their day, the assumption that the evil witch will die, and a myriad of others.
I appreciate you sharing your insights. we all grown from sharing experiences and lessons learned from them.
Thank you Jeff for your continued bringing to the table so much of what is not even thought about in most of society …UNTIL it hits home…sadly more and more are having to deal with this .
One thing GOD had written and recorded for us to FIND as we obey the command to STUDY to show ourselves approved UNTO GOD …WORKMEN that need not to be ashamed ….rightly dividing the Word of God…is that people are not READING their own Bible so that God can communicate to them ..not just for confrontation and convict from the Word which contains not only the “good stuff” that we like to hear but the things which warn AND equip us to check ourselves out to prepare to deal with vulnerabilities !
It’s not that mankind has not had an opportunity to learn what is true and right…but the flesh being what it is and the decline in churches teaching the ‘hard things’ has brought about a lax attitude about how GOd tells us to live.
The usual deceitful slant is ‘God loves me so I can sin and be forgiven’ but the Bible also has a lot to say to warn us how bad sin is FOR US …As one teacher put it …sin is not bad because it is forbidden but it is forbidden because it is BAD and will bring about damaging consequences…..
What people have been fed for generations now has led to leaving the Bible to the ‘experts’ or not not be concerned about the eternal verities and the present losses by investing time and energy in all kinds of things rather than as the first commandment instructs us to put GOD first in heart , soul, mind and all else.
I too had been led to think ‘outside’ the ‘box’ of God’s word…it is really a terrible state to be in …yet God is gracious and drew me to him 45 years ago …I am still working in the Word to be obedient to the call to “put on the whole armour of GOD” and feel often that no amount of time is ‘enough ‘ to ‘catch up”
The word is a continual vast sea of truth that over and over reveals as we take heed to SEEK the Lord while He may be found and HE will be found by those who believe that HE is …and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek HIm….
No one need to be lost or ignorant of the Lord …He loves us enough to make this known to those who find themselves wondering about Him…
Great Reminder–“Dead in their Trespasses” and what it is finding out you are married to a person in this state of being. As a Christian–it is even MORE Devastating–Because your Love was & is not just based for their happiness in this world it also included Spiritual Joy for their Eternity. I have given 40yrs with everything in me, it is time to knock the “Dust from my Sandals.”
Dianah,
There certainly comes a time for ‘knocking the dust from your sandals’ and moving on. Having given 40 years shows commitment on your part.