I was reminded of how powerful the “Conspiracy of Silence” can be when I read the story about the Kentucky teen, Savannah Dietrich who was ordered gagged by a Jefferson County judge from talking about the sexual assault she experienced.
Situations like hers are common. You may be in a situation where you are ‘forced’ to remain quiet about an affair.
When forced to remain silent, or gagged, it is a helpless feeling. The wrong is continuing and you can’t even speak out about it due to the threat of force.
Some cheaters have managed learning how to use judges, police or bosses in such a way as to intimidate and silence you. The abuse of those authority figures is even more pronounced in small towns.
They may even threaten you with physical violence or a lawsuit to keep you quiet. This is where the whole ‘conspiracy’ aspect comes in. In such cases, there is an organized attempt at silencing those daring to question or expose the affair.
Being forced to remain silent often makes the trauma of the affair even worse.
Cheaters often don’t want to be reminded of the wrongness of their actions. They want you to ‘accept’ what they are doing. They want you to be seen as the one ‘in the wrong’ rather than the perpetrators of the affair.
They want to indulge in their wicked acts without conviction of its wrongness. They want to think that they are ‘normal’ and that what they are doing is just ‘adult’ behavior.
When you’re caught in such situations, you feel trapped. You may not see all the options that are available.
In such cases, it is always best to suffer to NOT doing what is wrong. You may not be able to speak out, but you do not have to condone or approve of what is happening.
You don’t have to validate the cheater. Savannah Dietrich spoke out about those doing wrong, at risk of jail time. Speaking out often has risks. It is my hope that her story will give you courage to speak out.
On a related note, if you’re one of those traumatized by the conspiracy of silence, the video “Dealing with Affair Trauma” provides you with the tools you need in moving past it. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can change how you deal with it. You don’t have to stay in role of a traumatized victim.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey
3 Responses
Thank you. You are right to secrecy is the hardest part. He says he will change but hasn’t. Or only superficially. If I tell my friends again they will think I am a fool. And maybe I am. I believe he wants to change but obviously not enough to do the work that it will take. I just haven’t been ready to pull the plug on a 30 + year marriage.
The only advice I have for anyone is complete exposure as soon as possible. The fantasy and secrecy is what enables and escalates the affair and bond. Tell everyone. Or better yet. Have a third party that is not a nonimportant friend or co-worker tell everyone
Once there is nothing to hide. They have a choice.. that choice is much harder the closer they get and longer they bond. I blew it…3 years of keeping their secret. And still haven’t exposed anything. I’m a fool… she asks for acceptance and can’t stop the affair … it’s a disease….
They need help… no matter how nice …how loving… how. “Accepting ” you are, nothing will stop them.
Move on…or get them to face the music….they need to own their actions…spoken from a true hypocrite who hasn’t exposed a thing.
itsbeen so long,
I agree that the sooner the exposure, the sooner you can get on with the healing. The sooner you can have honesty. Each day you wait, you loose some self-respect and dignity. Exposure is the way to disconnect power from the secrets. It is also the only way that shame can work it’s work and bring conviction of the wrong that was done. Waiting for the ‘right moment’ can be a long time. More right moments are often created than come along.