When someone tells you “I’ve got your back!”, it is a statement of trust. Since our backsides are vulnerable, you
will want it protected. You also want it protected by someone that you can trust.
This is why infidelity is often viewed as an attack on your vulnerabilities and a betrayal at the same time. When you are ‘stabbed in the back’, you weak point is exposed. Being attacked in your backside is bad enough. What makes it worse is that the attack came from someone who you thought would be protecting you in that area.
Not only is your backside a blindspot, it is also where your spinal cord is along with access to your vital organs. It is a huge vulnerable spot where tremendous damage can be done without you having any immediate recourse.
You count on your spouse to protect your vulnerabilities. You also count on them standing with you. You also want them to alert you to any threats. When an affair happens, each of these are violated. This multi-layered wound is one of the reasons that affairs hurt so deeply. When an affair happens, it is as if you are attacked on multiple levels at a weak point.
When you are wounded by the affair, you need help. Sure you can analyze what the angle of attack was, how they held the knife, which side they attacked from or other details, but it is not going to stop the bleeding. This is akin to those of you who are hurting from an affair and spend all your mental energy and time trying to figure out what kind of affair it was, the cheater’s motives, etc.
When you are laying there wounded, you need to stop the bleeding first. After you have stopped the bleeding and gotten to a safe place, then you can analyze to your heart’s content. Spending your time analyzing the affair and the wounding when you are bleeding out, only invites the death of your marriage.
This is why I take the approach that you need to take care of yourself first, unlike my competitors who indulge those of you who want to analyze what kind of affair and motives while you are emotionally bleeding out.
When you are recovered from your wound, then you can take steps to improve communication and thereby open up your relationship. It is only when you have good communication that you will finally gain answers and access to information that you need to analyze things.I know, you think you are a great communicator. The person to ask about this is your spouse. You may be great at expressing yourself, but good marital communication requires that the two of you tune into each other. This often means knowing how to navigate through obstacles, respecting sensitive areas and not exploiting each other.
Plus, when the two of you are working together, and really communicating, you will be able to resolve more than you can by yourself. When you really do have each others backs, it is amazing what the two of you will accomplish.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
