After the previous posts on the “Exit Affair Syndrome” it became clear that this is a topic needing further attention and you’re interested in.
Cheaters who are in an exit affair use the affair as an avoidance. For them, it’s easier starting an affair than it is engaging in a ‘real’ relationship.
In using the term, ‘real’ relationship, I am referring to a relationship where you interact in a genuine and spontaneous manner. What you see is who you are and what you are actually feeling. You are able to be spontaneous and honest in your interactions, what you feel and what you say.
Real relationships require vulnerability. With that vulnerability, there is a risk that those in them will be hurt when the relationship ends or there is a severing of the relationship.
With cheaters who are caught up in the ‘exit affair syndrome’, such vulnerability is a threat to them. It is easier for them to start up new relationships than to deal with spontaneity, honest feelings or vulnerability.
They do not want the kind of relationship connections that have those kind of requirements. Such requirements take them out of their comfort zone. They often view relationships that take them out of their comfort zone as threats.
For them, the affair is a solution to what they view as a problem. The ‘problem’ in their mind is vulnerability in relationships. They learn ways of using physical involvement to stop people from getting to close to them.
Sex is often used as a way of enhancing intimacy. That same behavior also has the ability to inhibit intimacy. Sex in such cases is used to keep the emotional distance where it is.
For them, physical involvement establishes distance rather than establishing intimacy. They want people kept at a safe distance.
When people are at a safe distances, they can use their relationships and affairs as ‘window dressing’ for their lives. As long as relationships are window dressing, they are safe. When a relationship starts encroaching on them and getting too real, then another affair or crisis is used to re-establish distance, hence the exit affair.
When in the midst of the exit affair syndrome, the cheater is determined to find a way out of your marriage to them and are looking for behaviors that will make you reject them. They may purposely do or say things that will elicit rejection on your part. They WANT to be rejected.
In their mind, it is better for you to reject them, than them reject you. They engineer an exit on their terms. This way, they have some control over what happens. When they ‘push’ your buttons, it is intentional and purposeful. It is not by accident that they are deliberately doing things you dislike.
Cheaters in the ‘exit affair syndrome’ are often more comfortable with conflict than intimacy. They may not like the fighting, yet with conflict, they can keep distance without feeling guilty or vulnerability.
Some cheaters find ways to stay busy as a way of distancing themselves. In modern society, there are always activities found to keep themselves busy.
With busy-ness, they can also avoid being real, while maintaining their respectability. This way they can leave your marriage emotionally without having to do so physically. Such busy-ness amounts to a non-divorce divorce. You have the separation without all the blaming and fuss.
Best Regards,
Jeff
