Most recently someone wanted to know ‘When its time to leave a long term marriage’. Since my focus is helping you survive your partners affair, my response will be from that perspective.
In asking such a question, the questioner assumes that marriage is based on a contract. Such a question seeks to know when the contract can be broken.
In asking this question, you want to know under what circumstances you can violate your contract. Assuming that your marriage is a contract means that there are limitations and exclusions to that contract, in other words, it assumes there are ways around or out of the contract.
Often, people view a contract as void when one party violates it. The violation may be that they are ‘no living up to their end of the bargain’.
The point at which you leave it depends on where you have drawn your line. Do you leave the contract for minor violations, or major violations or when there is a repeated pattern of violations, or when the violations are illegal, or when your life or someone else’s life is endangered?
When you are not clear on where you draw your line, you will not be clear on when you need to leave. Fuzzy thinking leads to fuzzy answers.
Since I view marriage as a covenant instead of a contract, the dynamics are different. With a covenant, the only way out is ‘death’ or fraud in the beginning of the covenant.
There are cases when one of the parties was not competent to enter the covenant, but when you have a long term relationship, such a point is academic. I take my marriage vows seriously. I meant what I promised.
In the vows, the duration was spelled out clearly “…until death do us part.” The exclusions were also laid out, “..in sickness and in health, preferring you above all others.”
You may have to consider what your promise is worth. You also have to consider your safety. There may be things in your marriage that you can not live with without endangering yourself or others.
There are options where you can stay married, yet not stay in the dangerous situation. They are typically unpleasant options that call for some serious interventions.
When an affair happens, it may have you questioning all your foundational beliefs. You may question not only your marriage, but also your faith in God, your values, your priorities and what is really important to you.
Having your faith shaken and asking such questions often happens with affairs. Since marriage often touches every aspect of your life, when there is trouble in your marriage, every aspect of your life is touched as well.
You are not a bad person for asking such questions. You need answers. You need direction. You need clarity. Once you ask the questions, then you are faced with good and bad choices.
There may be times that the choices are not clearly good or bad, but instead, which choice will hurt less or which one you can best live with. Those kind of choices are uncomfortable. This is one reason you want to avoid making major decisions in the aftermath of an affair.
If you want more on healing your marriage after an affair, the “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you through what you need to know along with ways of transforming your marriage relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
For me this has led to a search to learn what I did not know or understand about everything that I was involved in …why this I trusted my husband and why he cannot seem to deal with his own choices in a way that he once conveyed he was willing to do.
I have been studying all kinds of aspects of our lives in this present day and with the conditions of our society that has been on a steep downslide into chaos and oblivion.
For me , I have seen how much of the present tsunami of many households within even faith that should have held up against such terrible choices seems to have made little difference in this kind of choice.
To make a choice which honors GOD and ones marriage it takes believing there is an absolute truth in all aspects of life.
God has provided THE TRUTH which is stated in the life of Jesus Christ and the Bible. It has proved itself through the fulfillment in astonishing detail in prophesy .
Many people do not know their Bible’s well enough from personal study to know what those are. They sit and hear what other’s say and often it is the sensationalized ‘mythologies’ mixed with a statement that sounds Biblical or even uses a scripture or two that people will use to substantiate.
Some are sincere but not equipped themselves to offer some commentary on scripture ..some are very well equipped with head knowledge of bible but use it to deconstruct faith of some …for their own reasons and gain.
So what is one to do? Do we collapse because someone else disappointed us or someone has their feet of clay exposed.
Gosh…is that enough reason to neglect so great a salvation based upon what other’s say or do?
I think that the only PERFECT person who walked and spoke the perfection of truth …still did not compel some to believe Him.
Even after His resurrection! Well that speaks of the fallen state and the sinful state of the heart of the unregenerate person.
When we seek HIM we WILL find Him but that requires and honest and humble willingness to let the Word speak TO US …IN US by His WORDS.
Why “can’ a person leave their marriage….? Why do people ask this ? Not so many years ago people married not so much because they had a serious sex drive that they wanted to find the perfect mate to fit the fantasy …but we have grown up thinking that this is pretty much a requirement for a happy life and marriage!
This has indicated a serious departure of understanding of what marraige is and what it requires for us to SOW into it in order to reap a deep and lengthy satisfactory relationship with another person who , yes we find attractive and sexually appealing but with the honest admission that some times people will get fatter, may become ill …may develop allergies…lose a leg…become deformed…but I offer the idea that a lot of those challenge MAY be actually avoided through prayer which a person laying their lives down for the sake of following the truths of Jesus Christ ..in life and in marriage will maybe not have to deal with>
Even so if they DO encounter the random ways that living in the fallen world and with a fallen body and another or other fallen people ..though saved even …that LIFE on earth presents many opportunities to wait upon GOD …to spend our time seeking to learn from Him and His Word what we do in the meantime ..and how to view things we don’t like…but MAY turn out to be a great “assignment ‘ whereby we may grow and learn.
Marriage really does a LOT better between a man and a woman who know what GOD will do in any aspect of life.
I think my own husband did not know or care to know these things…I did …but I also did not have a complete understanding of these things…I have taken the ‘road’ to learn and grow in this information and walk…He chose to ‘change” his mind by way of not changing the content of it ..except to continue to follow the world and what he already knew ..giving himself permission to change the rules…change the ‘life’ by death dealing world views of relationships, marriage, sex and family
He bought the LIE …and everyone of us has paid the price …yet GOD redeems what we are willing to allow through continuing to look unto Jesus Christ and continuing to grow up in our own life walk by continuing in His Word.
Thank you for offering people hope as you continue to help with these difficult issues.
Zaza,
It is definitely a soul searching question. It requires faith. Many people are not willing to have that much faith. They look to pastors and counselors who often encourage them to ‘call it quits’ with the reassurance that it will be understood and accepted. Very few are willing to be ‘rebuilders’ or share that message with others. Holding onto promises when those around you are telling you to give up or ‘it’s been long enough’ or ‘it’s time to move on’ is a tough things to do. I have seen what happens when people are able to have faith to hang in there. They recognize that the covenant was a serious promise to their spouse and to God. They grasp that. For many in modern society, such commitment is too much. They often give up when the level of emotional pain reaches the discomfort level. They may talk ‘faith’ and promises, but they live and make their choices based on their level of discomfort.
Waiting is not something many are willing to do. There are times we are just to stand still and wait. In our ‘action’ oriented society, that is asking too much. They want to be doing something, and waiting is not doing something to them.
Your faith is an inspiration. The lessons you have learned and share are not wasted by any means.
Thank you Jeff again for your comments ,
Just as “be still and know that I am God’ has been redefined by the contemplative movement based upon emptying of the mind is some passive state of meditation….
“Waiting upon the Lord’ is not a passive thing but to continue to allow God to work His word into our understanding …to grow us within all circumstances.
In marriage I see it as two people defending the other back to back looking unto the Lord but also looking out for troubles and protecting the other person and all in that jurisdiction.
Even before I gained much of this understanding over time ..and effort …I could see that long time married couples all seemed to have the same kind of ‘advice’ ….look out for your spouse and ‘number one ‘ will be taken care of …often those of the faith add …by the Lord.
Accessing wisdom for living life prior to marriage is preferable as is having been trained by parents to expect consequences for bad behavior…and hopefully a respect and fear of GOd who made us .
However many join in marriage without this kind of information …still I don’t know of any who don’t know marriage is supposed to be FOR LIFE and that stealing and lying are WRONG.
The Bible defines ‘meditation ‘ that is to be our thinking about the scriptures and considering and weighing them and their meaning and value as we look unto the Lord for understanding .
That is a far cry from the redefining that eastern and occult teaching offer now …to empty the mind or to alter one’s conscientiousness by a “meditation’ or ‘posture ‘ that is useful to open up one’s mind and conscious mind to any and all ‘takers’ in the spirit realm.
I just watched Carlos Santana …and advocate of new age isms….and ‘light’ which is a counterfeit….Yet his talent and undeniable artistry has given him a HUGE platform [pulpit] to share his vision of what the world could be if we could only stop feeling guilty and learn to love …including sex without boundaries….or some would percieve this as what is right…
It was the life without boundaries or proper understanding of the difference between the pleasures of sin for a season …and what increases pleasures that GOD created man for WITHIN the protection of marriage covenant keeping.
Marriage IS a covenant before GOD Almighty even if those who marry don’t think so …
Also SIN is still sin even if people don’t want to define it as such…it still harms and destroys and because of Adam’s sin …all FLESH dies…the point is will we die WITH it …or DIE TO it….we all may choose ….Jesus gave us the OPTION of salvation this day…according to our free choice and will to receive His Word …for faith comes by HEARING and hearing by the WORD of GOD …preached and received with meekness and hunger!
Whew….that is what we find when we go looking .
The devil relies upon people being passive when it comes to truth….God calls upon those who know Him to SPEAK ..”in season” when it is popular and “OUT of season”, when it is not popular..
It is not popular to speak the Word …but it IS the means by which some will hear and believe.
ALL those who are born again HAVE the ‘ministry of reconcilation’ and the means…”the Word of reconcilation’ and they are called upon to study, learn and KNOW it ..for their own lives sake ..eternity sake and to be equipped to offer it whenever and whereever they may….some will hear …some will say ‘we will hear ye again of this matter ‘ which is just another version of saying they reject it ….
When a person desires the truth they will override discomfort IF they believe GOD IS …and they believe HE is benevolent enough to even confront us in our comfort while in sin.
Discomfort often times MUST be recognized as a wake up call for us …
Marriage was designed to make us uncomfortable with selfishness and sin …but some who do not like to feel badly when they know what they do is wrong will run …it is foolish ..just as the Lord said it is.
May the ‘worm’ turn before it is too late!