A question came in regarding the consequences for those forgiven for cheating. Although the issue of punishing the cheater has already been addressed in a previous post, the topic of consequences has not.
I’ve often discouraged you from punishing the cheater since ‘punishing’ your spouse often has blowback for yourself as well. The blowback comes in many forms.
Besides the blowback, there’s also the whole “letting the cheater off the hook” for cheating that comes with punishment.
There is a BIG difference between punishment and consequences. Getting the two ideas confused can bring you heartaches and hurts.
If you assume that once you punish the cheater for what they did, that all if over, you and they are mistaken. Punishment doesn’t mean the affair is over or that the consequences are taken care of.
Consequences are another matter you need to be aware of. You can choose whether or not to punish, you can not make choices regarding whether or not there are consequences.
There are always consequences. If you subscribe to a Biblical world view, this is often known as the “law of sowing and reaping”, for those who have another world view, it is known as ‘karma’.
Affairs put lives, emotions and events in motion that always have consequences. You can not violate promises and commitments without consequences. You can not gratify desires outside of marriage without consequences.
Affairs, with all the lies, broken promises and deceit will have consequences. Even when you totally forgive your spouse, there will still be consequences of one sort or another.
Forgiveness doesn’t interrupt the consequences of cause and effect. The cheater did things they weren’t supposed to and consequences will come.
It’s much better going through those consequences with your spouse and you working together than for each of you to be working against each other. Together the two of you can handle more than what can be handled alone.
When you forgive, it stops some of the emotional fall-out, but consequences will still come.
When the consequences come, it does not mean that you didn’t forgive.
It doesn’t mean that you are ‘in the wrong’ or ‘living in sin’ at that moment.
Since the consequences vary from situation to situation, I can not provide you with a list of what consequences will happen. Although the specific consequences vary, the pattern that consequences always follow affairs is well established.
One lesson I have learned is that you can cheat on your spouse, but you can not cheat your way out of the consequences of cheating on your spouse.
The attitude you have in dealing with the consequences can make the difference between the consequences being insurmountable or nothing more than a speed bump on the road to your maturity.
The video on Forgiveness, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” provides you with greater detail about how to forgive along with when and who to forgive. If you have questions about forgiveness, this video is for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
It is eight years and counting since D Day….married now 34 years….STILL having consequences discovered in every area of our lives as I peruse the past as well . I never even considered that my husband would cheat …WHO gets married to someone and expects to have to even KNOW a red flag in the person they agree to marry?
He and I discussed at some length and depth what cheating would mean and how to consider the possibilities of the temptations that might occur as time went by . It was not that we did not know what cheating would do or how much it might hurt.
I think that he simply would not consider that he needed to be prepared to deal with difficulties that could lead his heart away and by the time he was already IN those kinds of mental and emotional states where one may begin to be vulnerable he did not have the various character aspects that would allow for him to enter into any kind of sharing his various feelings which seemed to make him vulnerable and intentional when it came to having to choose to deal with them or seek a ‘solution’ outside of a marriage relationship.
He was confronted upon discovery of an early emotional relationship which only recently was also revealed that the woman was a married woman at that time.
He was not only confronted by me and I spoke with the OW civily about what I had discovered about their ‘friendship’ but he was also spoken to by our pastor.
My husband is a very proud man. He has a high standard for himself and when this came to my attention and he indicated he was sorry and was not able to continue the relationship I felt that was the end of that worry.
I was mistaken. As I look back over the various years and our relationship I have to notice that he simply became better at having excuses for the time he was not engaging in our relationship and with our family.
He has many evidences of his ability to ‘schmooze’ those who he worked with …and none of them then or now see him as anything but a really GREAT BOSS.
Probably one of the benefits of his having been moved to new areas with a great ‘track record’ and good ol boy ‘friendlies ‘ in high places in his corporation kept all who worked with him in the dark ..just like me and the rest of his family of origin.
Just the other week I happened to call his office…a very RARE thing for me ..especially since D DAY ..and the woman who was the new receptionist raved about what a great boss he is and now he doesn’t ask anything of her …..I don’t suspect any kind of romantic thing going on with her …lately he is just too deflated when I DO see him which is seldom.
The consequences in retrospect are MANY …some I addressed as our family often was left to go through many of our family things alone…without him…HE was always “working’ or working on working….it seemed to me …having been a career person before marriage that it was highly plausable that his career that was taken on after two years of our marriage WAS indeed that consuming of his time.
I thought being understanding would translate as ‘love’ and ‘respect’ for his ‘tough ‘ day….this led to my sucking it up when he was always having to ‘go for drinks’ to ‘build office morale’
Whenever I would tell him I loved him …he would say ” You shouldn’t love me’ …or ‘why do you love me’ …probably out of guilt realizing that he was not involved enough with me or at home with us often enough for HIM to feel anything for me….so why should I feel anything for him
My ‘take’ on love is that ..In a Christian life love means investing in the other person and for their best ….His idea of love was to be kind enough and caring to everyone so he was liked…and to get sex whenever he wanted it without wanting to have any discussion about physiology or sexuality.
For a highly educated man he had a lot of inhibitions in terms of talking about sex….something I found surprising for some reason. He did not ever take any science classes or biology …how that happened I don’t know. In terms of his own father …it reminded me somewhat of how Archie Bunker would screw up his face and say something like “OW don’t go talkin’ about that woman stuff’ kind of attitude.
This is weird to me since his adultery was not just one woman …but several over the years …
This all comes as far as I know from people not realizing what marriage and love …and sex in marriage is about …I know I have had to learn a lot over the years…as I know from speaking to many women that WOMEN do try to please their husbands and really do study and research and try to learn how …
There is also a dynamic today which makes pleasing a man who is not aware that sex is something that GOD has designated for marriage and expects men to govern their eyes and minds…LUST is not something that is supposed to be part of any relationship.
Today LUST is pretty much what people think of when it comes to sex…and lust cannot be satisfied.
The men today have a tough challenge to keep their eyes and minds from ‘wandering’ but I have learned that GOD helps us when we ask Him to …especially in areas where HE has instructed us what we are to do …
I too did not grow up hearing about ‘governing one’s flesh” …we heard that ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘men sow their wild oats’ …soon women wanted in on that too !
As if it were a great idea! The idea that sex is natural and good is true…but the idea that we are animals and must not restrict our urges is right out of Kinsey and the government evolutionary biology taxonomy that equates humans with animals.
Well, as you can see I can go into numerous areas as I find out just what ARE the consequences to all who are touched and harmed by adultery ..those who DO it ..and those who they harm in fall out ….or as they call it in military ” collateral damage’
Today it seems to go right along with that concept I mentioned a while back as I looked up the definition of ‘greater good’ …all out of the same rotten philosophical ROOT of the humanist agenda.
ALL of us continue to hurt because of my husband’s continued refusal to endure his own consequences ..He and the OW are not together …and he told her and me that he NEVER intended to be with her….she accepted that apparently .
So now ..they go on …’headlong’ to destruction but seem to not be touched much by the fall out. I don’t think the children of adultery are suffering as …and this is one terrible consequence …they are being raised to think THIS is “NORMAL” …so they have been taught not to feel badly about it .
When the boy complained that he was the only child whose father did not stay over night at his house by husband told him that that was not true…that not every child had a father who lived with them.
That may be true …but what a terrible thing to do to try to make the child feel that it is normal to be born the way he was …I am certainly not saying the child should be made to feel badly and to feel that he is somehow less that …but THERE is one of the thing that my husband and the OW THOUGHT was not going to be of any problem!
We don’t want to blame children born from this sinful lifestyle…but it is JUST the aim of the trend toward the world apart from God and His protective jurisdictions wants it for the purpose of fragmented lives …build on the instability of a family torn apart and children denied learning the way GOD has intended for them to have two parents who love and demonstrate love for each other by loving THROUGH difficulties.
Consequences of a father who is distant , self centered but charming …and who is never seen in any kind of working through any conflicts….taught me that our marriage should be void of conflict and that the husband should be given the freedom to do whatever makes him happy!
NO training up by a dad …though he was charming , handsome and ‘around’ left me without the way to determine who was a trustworthy person ..so I trusted most everyone without knowing how to determine their trustworthiness.
My own dad had no interest in God or the Bible …no teaching or training ..and he was like most men of that era….reader of Playboy…golf …traveled for work …and built his little ‘castle’ and groups of friends and entertained them.
I grew up knowing only my appearance was most useful and if I had any boyfriends THAT was a substantial emblem of my beauty and worth.
One teacher in a fellowship describes this as the coin of the world is ‘beauty , brains and bucks’
My dad left my mom right after I got born again in my senior year of college….for a woman he played golf with who had lots of money …not attractive …at all ..and not a very nice person but she had what HE wanted.
My parents divorced after …34 years of marriage.
I knew I was not going to allow that to happen to me …especially been really INTO the Bible and ministry. I waited to marry …I thought I knew what to do to carefully vet my offers of marriage.
What I am saying is that despite my care and our pre marital discussions my husband’s lack of willingness to enter into the relationship of marriage which requires a lot more than SAYING you will not cheat…or even not wanting to cheat.
He only wanted to be unaccountable to anyone and he did not want anyone to tell him how to do ANYTHING .
How he got to be so good at his sports and work is something of a mystery since EVERYONE has to answer to someone in areas of our lives.
Sexual desire grows sometime subtly …but in his case once we had chidren his continued friendships with people at work ..people who did not respect marriage …people who were not moral …people who wanted ‘it all’ …worked to give him ‘permission’ to join in the fun …since ‘as long as no one knows ….who gets hurt’
He is still living in a mindset that he is entitled to have compartments and fails to real see or care to see the way it harms others who are closely most effected.
The superficial relationship of work …and having the freedom to retreat from anyone’s input has seemed to satisfy him thus far.
Knowing the consequence we all have …hitting ALL areas of our lives…does not work upon his conscience to enough of a degree for him to take those responsibilities as anything HE should do.
Consequently those he DOES care the most about …the children …are ALL being effected whether he will admit it or not.
I was reading about Louis Zamparini’s Boys Camp that he had…He is the pilot that movie that just came out about him being in a prison camp. His active care for boys who just needed a good mentor over many years was an admirable thing and brought forth many generations of youths ‘rescued’ from lives of defeat.
One of the things he said was that he realized he could not just take them to a camp for a week or two ..and then drop them..he had to be there for them throughout for support and stability …over many years .
I think some men want to be the ‘hero’ , especially of children since children are easily accepting of those who take an interest in them , take time…have some kind of way to support them financially ..THAT is all great and is very important.
But what of the LESSON for life about loving a wife …being faithful …keeping one’s word and vows?
What will be the ultimate lesson for those children …I know my son is disappointed in his father and I am thankful I am able to know I did all I could to teach my children about what the Bible says …and to set the best of what I could before them in the example of not perfection but of being REAL before them…admitting when I was mistaken or wrong …asking for forgiveness….trying to walk in truth and continuing to study the Word with great effort and desire to be corrected and taught by GOD ….this is ongoing.
My husband who was given this and who I asked to do this ..and encouraged him to turn back to his family throughout all of what I did not know was going on …WILL NOT and REFUSED to ..do this.
I advised him that if he insisted upon leaving us for the sake of those OC ..that he make the most of it and teach them about the Lord …about the truths that make a solid argument for morality especially in this culture and time.
He decided he did not need any information …from me , God or anyone.
I pray he will turn to the Lord to see what it is that is REALLY going to hold those kids in good stead in life…but so far….he is not indicating this .
I think it is important for him and them to have a relationship ..but the one he has with our children is very superficial ..He is very hit or miss with even texting or calling them…let alone seeing them..
How sorrowful …in this we are losing what WAS …because all of the past years now seem only like he was ‘pretending’ and now reading some of his various writings …to me ..to them..and to others…I see he is a VERY good writer.
Maybe he missed his calling working for Hallmark!
Consequences ? OH YES…there are so many people never even consider from adultery…even mental adultery …
God forgives when we ask and if we are HIS through Jesus Christ we are given eternal life…spiritual …THEN we may learn and the Word will teach and help us walk out in all the things that GOD will work IN us IF we are willing.
I forgive my husband but the hurt goes on …I overcome daily …because I must forgive daily …seventy times seven ..I think that the Lord knew some offenses would call upon us to do that …and He will help …but if a person is forgiven and they scoff at the idea…there is not much more we can do but continue to ask the Lord to deal with all of it ..and help us be reconciled .
I pray my husband is reconciled to the Lord ..FIRST because otherwise the changes may be visible but I don’t believe he will be able to make any more changes in his choices than he has in the past.
The reason is that the ‘soft ware’ of the mind must be transformed by submitting to the truth which is based upon HE who IS The Truth…not just what is ‘realty ‘ as perceived by the natural mind of fallen man.
We are all born dead and into a fallen dark world and we don’t know it …because what we are born and raised in is ‘normal’ to us …Thanks to Adam this is so …but thanks to Jesus Christ we have the ‘option’ to receive life eternal …and the means to be transformed by learning the Word and applying what we learn to making a new lie following after HIM!
Pro 3:13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.
This is real hope ..no matter what consequences may come!
Psalm 144 King James Version (KJV)
144 Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
2 My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me.
3 Lord, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him!
4 Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passeth away.
5 Bow thy heavens, O Lord, and come down: touch the mountains, and they shall smoke.
6 Cast forth lightning, and scatter them: shoot out thine arrows, and destroy them.
7 Send thine hand from above; rid me, and deliver me out of great waters, from the hand of strange children;
8 Whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood.
9 I will sing a new song unto thee, O God: upon a psaltery and an instrument of ten strings will I sing praises unto thee.
10 It is he that giveth salvation unto kings: who delivereth David his servant from the hurtful sword.
11 Rid me, and deliver me from the hand of strange children, whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood:
12 That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace:
13 That our garners may be full, affording all manner of store: that our sheep may bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our streets:
14 That our oxen may be strong to labour; that there be no breaking in, nor going out; that there be no complaining in our streets.
15 Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the Lord.
Zaza,
Thank you for sharing. I am often floored by your comments. They are powerful and thought provoking. This reply is not different. There is a lot here to consider and digest. I cringed when you told about your husband’s response to rejecting being told that you loved him. I have seen grown men like him, RUN and try to get away from anyone expressing affection or form of love. I have seen such men actually stockpile unopened Christmas and Birthday gifts in hiding places since they feel so unworthy of love, that they can not accept gifts or any form of affection. Such people are hard to get close to.
It is encouraging that you are continuing in your prayers for him. He needs it.When they reject love, it takes some heavy duty interventions to get through to them.
BTW-I also applaud your use of KJV. I myself am a KJV fan. One of my best friends often refers to it as the “Authorized Version”. Since the focus in on affairs and recovery from them, I limit my focus onto those issues, although there are times I am saying “Amen” in response to many of the items you bring up.
Dear Jeff ,
I can see the value of your keeping on point dealing with the practical aspects of what people go through when they discover infidelity.
I also appreciate that I CAN bring up scripture and a biblically sought understanding which MAY be read …considered and then received or not by anyone else going through this .
In the length of our considerations …all that we see, hear, read and are surrounded by in life I believe is something that …like a hamburger…will not nourish one who watches someone else eat it …the Bible is the Word to those who enter into it as a relationship with GOD bringing us to understand if we are willing to allow the Bible to ‘read’ and ‘provide HIS perspective ” upon all things…
All we can do is speak what we have learned through our relationship …not just the knowledge but apart from the knowledge of what is written it only provides and appetizer to hopefully stimulate an appetite for someone to go to seek the Lord there and read it with a humble heart believing God is ..and that He is a rewarder to those who continue to pursue Him where He has revealed Himself through Jesus Christ.
Those who may hear but not pursue cannot complain they did not have an opportunity to seek Him …if they will seek HE said HE will be FOUND.
So thanks for the venue to share what I am finding in my own continuing study and allowing it to work out within my walk and life.
Zaza,
It encourages me that you see the value of keeping on point. I also appreciate your sharing of scripture. It may be the only Scripture that many readers encounter. Many of the readers do not live in nations where Bibles are readily available. As they say “Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.” We will not know how many people it touches or where it goes.
When you say “All we can do is speak what we have learned through our relationship.” is very powerful. What you and other have been through often carry POWERFUL messages. (We are able to comfort to the degree we have been comforted). I appreciate your sharing. It helps us all to grow.
Gratitude Jeff….
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