There are times when reflecting back on my grandmother that I recall phrases and expressions she used. On seeing or hearing something outrageous, she slowly shook her head from side to side while in a low voice saying “shame, shame”.
In previous generations, you’d do just about anything to avoid that type of censure. These days, shame has been transformed into a tool of social control. Behaviors that should be considered shameful are now celebrated and any censure or action is taken that speaks out against shameful behavior is either shamed or labeled as a ‘hater’.
You may find yourself silenced by those “How dare you!” looks. In extreme cases, the one who should be ashamed is turned into a victim and by speaking out, you are turned into an abusive person or deplatformed.
So, what has happened that has turned shame into an abusive term? It’s a difficult question to answer. One of the answers may lie in the fact that over time people have become more sensitive about being subject to shame.
The sad part of this transformation is that rather than shame constraining immoral behavior, it ends up keeping the victims of such behavior from speaking out or seeking help. You may have found yourself either delaying or not seeking help based on shame-based constraints. It’s not that what you did was shameful, it’s that what happened was something that should have shame associated with it.
Somewhere along the way, things got twisted and became toxic. Those who should be ashamed are not and those who shouldn’t be an ashamed struggle in moving past it. At that point, you end up taking on the burden of toxic shame.
Books have been written the toxic shame that is involved in grappling with issues of abuse. The abuser can transfer their guilt to you and you end up taking on the burden of their guilt.
If it seems like it makes no sense, that’s because all this is being driven by emotions instead of logic. If everyone was being logical, the whole affair things wouldn’t have likely happened. These days common sense is passé and emotional intelligence is in vogue. It’s more important for people to be sensitive to others feelings rather than doing what’s right. The old ideas of shame no longer keep improper behavior in check.
The good news is that you can escape the madness and crazy-making games going on. You can overcome shame and powerlessness. I address these kind of issues in the video on Overcoming the Affair Crisis.
Change starts when you take the initiative to make things better.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
