The other day I mentioned the importance of communication after recovering from the affair, including the two important elements of that communication. Today, my focus is on another reason communication is important.
Take a moment and think back on the events leading up to the affair. Although there are typically several events, choices and actions leading to the affair, my focus is on one in particular.
The action I see as important is ‘distancing’. In my videos I talk about this in terms of the ‘intimacy dance‘. Calling it a dance conveys that the couples spin around with a fixed distance between them.
The longer it goes, the more the distance becomes a fixture in your relationship. It’s like the distance becomes cemented in place.
The two of you go dancing around that space created by pulling away and weakening the connection between the two of you.
One of the few things the virus has done is make you aware of social distancing. It may help in some areas, but NOT in your marriage.
What happens is that one of you pulls away from the other. Even when you try getting closer, they find some way of keeping you away.
The pulling away, whether conscious or unconscious, creates distance between the two of you. One of the effects of that distance is increased tensions.
How the two of you deal with those increased tensions shapes the direction your relationship goes. Ignoring it, treating it like ‘it’s nothing’ or numbing out to it won’t make it go away.
The longer you put off dealing with it, the greater the distance becomes and the more extreme solutions will be done in dealing with it.
That tension that comes with distancing is actually a warning that the two of you are drifting apart. Your emotions and body can tell when there’s too much distance. It’s like an alarm goes off alerting you that something is wrong in your marriage.
The natural reaction to the alarm is starting a search for ‘problems’. Depending on your focus, you may or may not correctly identify the problem with distancing.
One of the problems that comes with searching for problems is that there are so many that distract you from the real source. It’s easier blaming attitudes, sex, alcohol or something else for the distancing.
The distancing is one of the early actions leading to the affair and one of the last items needing continued attention after recovery from the affair.
The two of you may have been talking with each other, but have you re-connected? If the communication in your marriage is less than optimal, you’re settling for what you’re being given rather than reaching the potential of what can be.
If you want better and clearer communication with your spouse, download and apply what you learn in the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”. You’ll learn ways of reducing that distance and what it takes in re-connecting with your spouse.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
