On reading letters from spouses, a common issue expressed concerns accusations of affairs. One central thing is true. accusations, especially about affairs, damage relationships.
I considered what makes accusations so damaging. The first reason they’re damaging is that accusations come from a breach of trust. When you accuse someone, you no longer trust them.
In my experience, the breach of trust comes before the accusations. The accusation is the action taken after trust has been damaged. How the accusation is handled has a big impact on trust.
I realize this goes against thinking that the accusation is the breach of trust. Keep in mind that accusations don’t happen in a vacuum.
Something happened or is missing which leads to the accusation. If trust and the communication that comes with it were healthy, issues would have been addressed prior to accusations being made.
I recognize that rumors trigger accusations as well. Even in those cases, you trusted the rumor more than you trusted your spouse in terms of the believability of the situation.
One client I worked with intentionally spread rumors of an affair in their efforts at getting someone fired at work. They hoped the firing would remove their competitor.
Problems with accusations arise when the relationship communication and connection is unstable. When your connection with each other is intact, even the rumor of accusations are dismissed.
It’s only during those times of instability that your relationship is vulnerable to accusations or even the possibility of accusations.
Here’s the bottom line, if accusations are an issue, they’re a symptom of a problem. The problem is poor connection and communication with each other. There’s a lack of trust and it shows up in the form of believing accusations.
When the accusations become believable, the problem started with distrust. Learn to read the signs and symptoms that your connection with each other isn’t as good as you thought it was.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”, I cover what’s needed in firming up the trust in your marriage. It could be that you’ve just let some of those things slide.
Instead of accusations and defensive reactions, take steps that produce lasting results at the root of the problem. Click and download your copy of the video today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
