One of the questions often asked of affairs is ‘why?’ Although the question is often asked, not many couples seek a full understanding of dynamics. Most often they want to find someone to blame or something to blame. The why question is asked only to ascertain whose fault it is. When questions are asked only to discover where the blame lies, the couple miss out on understanding the situation and themselves.
Some affairs are malicious in nature. Some spouses engage in adultery for paybacks, to send a message or inflict some type of pain. In many cases, the affairs are not malicious. They often start off with legitimate needs. Needs for affection, attention, or admiration. There are needs that had not been satisfied in the marriage. Even in the case of sexual addiction, the affairs are not about being malicious and hurting, but are driven by needs. The needs themselves are not the problem. What does become problematic are HOW the spouses address those needs. Their solutions to the problems often cause more problems than the original needs themselves. They make poor choices in meeting their needs. Obtaining an understanding of what the needs of your spouse are, and how did they view the affair as meeting those needs are the kinds of questions that provide understanding rather than blaming. Finding answers to these types of questions take the couple in a healthier direction.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
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