When couples say they want to build up their self-esteem after an affair, I often wonder whose self-esteem is needing to be built up? I also ask myself, “Since self-esteem was a factor in the affair taking place in the first place, why are they trying to build it up again? Didn’t they learn the first time what chasing after self-esteem and the resulting selfishness can do to their marriage?” I often have to keep those comments to myself, since the couple are not ready to hear such things at the time of their crisis.
Society often portrays self-esteem as a panacea that will fix most relationship issues. I see it as misplaced. When self-esteem is identified as ‘the’ goal, problems soon develop. You may not have thought through this one, but self-esteem is a by-product, not something to be made the main goal.
When a person is valued by their spouse, treated respectfully, encouraged and desired, they will eventually feel better about themselves. When ‘feeling better about themselves’ becomes the main focus, there are immediate problems. Had the couple focused instead on how to treat each other better. How to encourage rather than discourage. How to value each others opinions and listen to them, the situation would have turned out better.
Building self-esteem is akin to chasing the will-o-wisp. The more you chase it, the more it runs away. Instead of making building self-esteem job one, focus on the tangible things that you can do, which are achievable. Find ways to encourage your spouse. Find ways to treat them respectfully, find ways to show them that they are valued by you and that you desire them and ONLY them.
Chasing self-esteem for its own sake is a sure recipe for you to have heartache and disappointment.
Consider showing your spouse that you care. Show them that you cherish them. Show them that you honor and respect them. Show them that you believe in them and what they can accomplish. These actions will do more than lots of chasing after self-esteem
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
