One of the reactions that occurs when I tell them “I help couples recover from affairs” is that they have questions for me. A look suddenly comes over them and they start looking for answers to questions that have been rattling around in the back of their mind.
On encountering someone whose studied adultery, they want to know more. It brings to mind the story about Pandora’s box. They want to know what’s inside the adultery mystery.
They’re fascinated by the topic. They wonder what it would be like. They may have had an affair and want to know ways of hiding it better.
What they don’t realize is that in opening up the topic of adultery, especially first hand opens up pains and hurts they never imagined.
I understand how that happens. There are questions that rattle around in the back of my mind as well. One of those concerns “What is it about affairs that brings out suicidal and homicidal thoughts?”
I’ve often said that affairs are a matter of life and death due to the seriousness of the topic. It wasn’t until the results of the Affair Recovery Survey came in that there were actual numbers I could put with it.
Prior to that, I had researched crime statistics, which showed a number of spousal killings, yet they don’t always tell you if it was affair related.
The answer is that affairs bring out the worst in people. You’ve seen it yourself in terms of the extreme moods, states and lies.
Besides bringing out the worst in people, affairs aren’t fair. The cheater may experience euphoria while you struggle with dark thoughts.
There’s something about unleashing raw passions that trigger raw reactions as well. Affairs brought out a side of you and your emotions you don’t like as well.
It’s definitely opening up a combined Pandora’s box and Whup-Ass at the same time. Few people tell you that the Pandora’s Box of adultery has sharp edges that cut you.
When roughly 20% of respondents of the survey reported suicidal thoughts and 10% reported homicidal thoughts surrounding the affair, it told me that “Affairs” really are “a matter of life and death”. The question that rattled me was ‘what makes them that way?’ along with ‘What can be done about that?’
At this point, my thinking is that the deeper you touch someone’s life, the higher the risk of stirring such deep passions. This also means that when it comes time for healing the marriage, you need ‘a deep overhaul’. Band-Aid solutions don’t work when your wounds are deep.
Those surface solutions of staying neutral and surrounding them with nice words only brings superficial help.
Common sense tells you that when your wound is deep or serious, that a band-aid no longer works. Deep wounds need stitches and they need them quickly.
Those deep and serious wounds need deep and serious relationship solutions. Band Aids only pull together the skin in healing superficial or surface wounds.
The affair struck deep. It needs deep healing.
This is why my video “How to Rekindle Closeness and Bring Back Intimacy into your Marriage” guides you through what you need in addressing those deep wounds and relationship overhaul matters. You know that serious solutions are needed, but you may not be sure as to where to begin. This video goes through where to begin and what you need in such situations.
Click the link above to download the video and start making changes in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
