Affairs are expensive. The price tag of affairs have many hidden costs that are not seen on the front end. Among the cost of affairs are the trinkets purchased to appease the spouse and lover, legal expenses for divorce and child custody, loss of reputation, loss of position, loss of security, loss of family stability, and loss of peace of mind. An actual detailed list of expenses would be longer than space allows. This partial list is enough to bring to awareness many of the hidden costs involved with affairs.
Along with the hidden costs are the collateral damages. One of the painful damages is that inflicted on families. Many single parent homes and step-families are the result of affairs. It is painfully sad to consider that the unbridled lust and self-gratification of a parent can do so much damage. The adulterer and their lover were only interested in their gratification. They lived a fantasy which their children are forced to pay for. Not only is the adulterer’s family impacted, but the lover’s family often suffers related to the affair as well. Children grow up thinking their father was a rambler or that their mother was a slut. Such associations are painful for children who want to look up to and admire the accomplishments and lives of thier parents. Even with adult children, the shame of the adulterer’s actions is painful. Although many efforts are taken to excuse what happened, the reality boils down to this:
An Affair=Rejection of the children and family
or more simply
Affair=Rejection
Whether or not rejection was intended, the affair sends that message to the children. The feelings of loneliness and abandonment are pains that often haunt children for years. Before giving into the lust of the moment, consider how it will impact your family.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
How true…We all suffer rejection in some venue or form in life…But the condition that adultery brings about it simply unequaled by ANY other.
The thing that is worse is when adultery has occurred and then the CS continues to disconnect and even takes out his anger on the faithful spouse through covert aggression. This is what used to be called “passive aggression’ but this newer term actually is a more clear definition . ‘
There is nothing clueless or passive about the behavior that strikes pain into one’s spouse and then deliberately refuses to act upon things which would bring comfort and healing to those harmed.
As time goes by I have had to live with my husband while he basically goes about his life as if he owes nothing to those wounded by his neglect.
He is not overtly mean ..he is even charming and sweet to our daughters. ..but he talks with them as if I am not there and they do not know what he has been doing to me …THEY are adults who live with us …not really able to move out or move on since they have been under his protection and provision as per biblical standards that we chose to live by …despite the way my husband abandoned his various responsibilities to actually be a ‘father ‘ to our children…it was more like ‘in name only ‘ just as our marriage was regarded by him
Some ‘offense’ back in the very beginning of marriage …with no informing me no accepting my enquiry to try to find out what it was …or even my efforts to apologize for the unrevealed offense.
As far as I can tell he simply got tired of trying to be a married man without actually doing what married men do …starting with realizing he is not the single playboy independent guy he was before marriage.
I can tell you that his coming to me to inform me of people inviting him to do things I knew he wanted do and asking me ‘if I would mind’ if he went…put me in a position of not being reguarded as honored but as a ‘mommy’ who if I did not agree that he should ‘go play’ then he would start to regard ME as the ‘ball and chain’ that somehow some men think of their wives as the ‘buzz kill’ of their lives.
I think much imagery and conversation of this kind before marriage , through life…watching TV and hearing men talk about their wives and marriage as if it is prison and once married their lives would be run by wives…Has led to such horribly damaging expectations.
Women hear this kind of attitude growing up and decide THAT will not be ME …and so become the ‘yes’ woman of their marriages lest they be seen as a ‘nag’ or ‘controlling’
Men who have this view also want to position their wives as such so they can justify building a ‘case’ against marriage and the wife so they can ‘play ‘ and create a secret life …keeping their wives busy at home with the kids
Somehow this also seems to play into wives as ‘victims’ …being ‘kept clueless and pregnant.’ which is also NOT anything how women feel if they are loved rightly in marriage. I for one LOVED being at home and raising our children. I loved being able to teach them at home…I was not always sure of myself in these things but I LOVED being a wife, homemaker and parent. It was through these things I learned so much I would not have taken time or interest to learn otherwise.
Once becoming a wife I was concerned to learn how to be one , studying all I could find ..But I could not get my husband to engage…he simply married me convincinig me that he wanted me to be his companion and then left me behind at every opportunity to behave as he did as a single man.
At first it was only with ‘the boys’ …but I contend that if a married man has single men as his ‘playmates’ soon he will be surrounded by opportunities and tempations.
At first he was not in danger of any kind of infidelity since he still spent a lot of time with me and going to fellowships …growing in the Word .
Then once in the corporate world this all changed ..and we had our first baby ..His world became HIS and our world became MINE …one he would visit once in a while when he had nothing else to do .
There was little OUR time and life and a lot of HIS life….our children and I were just small satellites around his glorious career and glamorous life.
He did not think to tell me to buy clothes until he had to take me to some event where he was required to bring his wife.
He did not ‘see’ the conditions of our home …even the towels unless he thought having a party might be the thing for his office….We all stopped all we were doing …school work and began the ‘cirriculum’ of making the house presentable for his co workers…It had to be catered ..which I appreciated …but the house was OUR responsilbility ..cleaning …stashing our school projects ..same routine to show our home when having to sell
This may sound ungrateful since we always lived in nice homes…but the ‘staging ‘ required to show and sell homes of this kind was exhausting …much like setting up a lying front for anything else in life.
We like living well and organized , neatly but reality is that those who live and work and teach their own children are ‘challenged’ by the way many homes look when on the market.
I often thought our children were well trained to be Realtors! But now they hate the sound of the word!~
It is simply sorrowful for all …My husband STILL does not count the cost ..past is past as far as he is concerned and he has other means to make himself feel like he is all better now …so what is wrong with the rest of us ! He tells me “I do not want to give you the impression that I am going to get any better or become a better husband …I believe I did too much damage ” It seems that making any effort to be considerate of me or invite me into healing our marriage and family is ‘too much to ask’ …too hard’ so he is concentrating on his business to build it up so we do not lose our home…and upon the children …the other children …and at home he sustains a superficial replay of his ‘great guy’ demeanor in order to make sure our daughters know he loves them
This comes across as superficial because as he engages them …he ignores me and treats with strained polite and brief communications …”pass the salt’ is about it.
If I want to ask anything I’d better ask in detail and be prepared to wait the lengthy duration before he will answer…It is indeed covert and designed to provoke me
The other day he was talking about something and in the midst of it he slipped in the news that he was leaving on a business trip in the morning and would not be back until three days later!
My daughters reaction to me was ‘WHO DOES THAT?” …One remarked ‘why doesn’t he act like a PERSON!”
They are not children anymore ..and they have eyes , ears and know how a man should treat his wife and others…They learned well just from reading the Bible what to look for in people to tell how to reckon their worthiness to be trusted.
My husband gets angry with me if I try to let him know that he needs to allow them to tell him what they feel , He says he cannot get them to talk..My daughter said that she has given up because he does not listen ..he sits and appears to listen then lives as if he heard nothing they said.
They also observed his way of reacting to when I have tried to engage him with information that would actually help him get out of this ‘I can’t do anything’ stage
His pride has hardened his heart..>HE knows he has done much damage but he is still refusing to try to make any recompense….It is like a person who steals from a bank ..has the money somewhere but even when admitting his crime still refuses to return the money and gets appalled that he is held accountable to !
I steam tonight….he comes back tomorrow all cheerful having visited our son. He feels good when he has just had a visit with those who do not KNOW what he has been up to .Our son does know but he is not in this environment and does not know the lack of progress …His dad is amusing and entertaining so their visit was no doubt enjoyable ….
I don’t begrudge this kind of engaging visit with our children or even the OC …but his ‘either or’ attitude has done even MORE damage to me since DDAY and finding him too selfish to make any real effort …He acts like a divorced man minus the social or sexual activity ..[I think] who would know I am not pursuing him to check up on him …I just would like to see him want to make an effort be accountable.
I think a desire to be accountable is KEY in terms of seeing the true remorse of someone .
So far lots of worldly sorrow but not much in the way of godly sorrow…just self pity which makes him seem too inept to do anything truly meaningful and effective for those he has harmed.
The one ‘sacrifice’ he seems to go to to say he has demonstrated his sorrow for his sin was giving up two country club memberships and stopped golfing..
Nice but no cigar…since this did not result in further effort to relate to me or create couple-hood by way of shared info and shared activities…He is STILL the independent man who no one can mean enough to to cause him to care about what he does and how it effects others.
Sorry ,,,my rant tonight …sigh…