There are times that you may be tempted to punish your spouse for what they did. When you head down that road there are many dangers. One is that in order to punish them, you have to assume a the moral high ground. For a marriage to work, the two of you need to treat each other as equals. When you start assuming a position of being higher than they are, the relationship changes from a marriage into a power relationship. When you take that high ground, it puts the cheater on the lower ground and you take on more of a parental role, rather than a spousal role.
I realize that some of you may actually be on the moral high ground and in a position of headship. Learning how to deal with a cheater in such circumstances poses some challenges. When dealing with your spouse, you need to know how to approach them. Lording your position over them is NOT the way to win them over, and neither is you attempting to punish them for their cheating. You are their spouse, not their parent and not their Holy Spirit. They need your love and acceptance rather than your wrath and condemnation. At a time that they need to be reconciled to you, when you have the attitude of “I’ll punish you!” is a sure way to push them away. Consider the alternative of acknowledging what they did, without holding it against them (e.g. “I love you. Although you deserve to be punished for what you did, you need to be loved even more. I want to love you rather than punish you. I want to be close to you”).
The road to getting over what they did is often lonely, long and filled with tough choices. Choosing not to punish is one of the things that you can do to start rebuilding your marriage and your life.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
