Secrets have power. As long as you are a part of the secret about the affair, your are both part of a special club and a prisoner of that secret. The secret often brings with it the ability to see through relationships for what is really going on. You can see through the smiles and lies. Knowing the secret allows you to see how many lies have been told and how much deception is used in hiding what is going on ‘behind the curtain’.
When the secret is revealed, some people may deny it, or choose not to believe that it could actually happen. That is their own issue, not yours. The main goal is honestly deal with the affair. Another issue is only exposing the secret to those who are directly part of the problem or part of the answer. Telling more people than is necessary only spreads rumors and gossip. You main goal is dealing with the affair, NOT ruining the reputation of the cheater and the lover. You will need to remind yourself about what the main goal is, so as to stay on course.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
6 Responses
This issue is very difficult …I feel the need to protect as you point out the opportunity for my husband to be ‘resurrected’ which exposing him to those who work with him might hinder and thus his loss of possibly his ability to provide for all of the family and those needs of the Other children born of adultery
I have had to ‘keep’ this secret in many ways which causes me to feel part of his sin in as the account of Anniais and Sephira who conspired to lie to the holy spirit and hold back money but present their actions as wholly giving all of the money
I am in conflict with keeping this secret …my family knows on my side…his family does not . I have told him I will not be the one to ‘out ‘ him in hope that if God sees fit to bring this to light another way it would testify to my husband AGAIN that GOD really is able to do so .
As with the way I discovered this by ‘accident’ one day while helping him search for some papers ..finding photos of the Other children and an email from the OW …graciously I was spared tawdry detailed letters etc.
Anyway ..this continues to be a wall between me and my daughters being able to have any kind of close friendships in our new area….It is also something that stands to be a terrible revelation should any young man come calling for our daughters hand….maybe not for him but the idea of it terrifies our daughters now in their twenties who have not even dated but retained their walk and trusting in the Lord to bring a suitor by and by .
It is hard right now because we moved and have no network and since this came out five years ago we are still isolated …though we are gregarious people …..this is very difficult
My husband’s cover continues to seem to insulate him from any REAL suffering of consequences.
He continues to see the Other children but is not at all interested in even speaking to the OW ..so he says ..I am not in the mix so I do not know for sure what he is doing in this …he relates their texts or tells me when he talks to the children or takes them to meals ..which is about three times a week…ALL of this is by HIS decision and he does not regard the pain or loss of our progress to this decision.
He actually used a statement I made at the first discovery as I demanded that he cut off all communication and contact with them all or it would be the finish of our marriage…He uses this as the excuse as to why he decided to connect again with them but to lie to me.
Upon confessing his lying actions which he did for two years of the four in which we were supposedly working on our marriage…he then moved himself up to a spare bedroom and once again upset our whole family …He feel he has no other choice…and that his choice based upon my statement allowed that once he reconnected with them it was then he felt that he had chosen to end the marriage based upon my statement. …but he did not tell me until after two years of sneaking and effectively stopped work on the marriage but simply went through the motions …of listening to books and cds…with eyes shut …laid back …much like he has usually ‘listened’ to me over the years.
He has refused to do anything more ..and now does not really engage at all ..he pays the bills …and is ‘here’ but does not honor me or our family as he ought to in his choices or behavior.
I pray that something will come to pass to engage his conscience…but it is very difficult ..
I feel that if I were to ‘out ‘ him to his family or work it would not make much difference in a positive way toward healing …but give him more reason to decide that our marriage is ‘hopeless’
He is intent upon doing what he does for ‘those children’ because they are young …but as I told him it may be useful for them but as he has chosen to be loyal to them at the expense of being a loyal and loving husband it will not work the way he thinks.
In my understanding you cannot change the order of how God tells us we are to live …anything put before GOD is an idol …anything or anyone that is put before the priorities that GOD set up in marriage will be damaging to all …but he is a very stubborn man and glories in his own ideas of how his life effects others.
If they only knew …
Those not married to him do not HAVE to take his word for it that he is an honest man and has good intentions .
How a man treats his wife is something people should take heed to ….I love Ross Perots statement that he would not hire any man who cheated upon his wife ..and he would fire any that were caught doing so in his company …if a person will liet and cheat to their wife and steal the family income and savings even to ‘give’ to others that does not change the fact that it is sin and will plant seeds of death into their lives and harm to any who are receiving stolen ‘goods’ and ‘services’ !
I have always been a very open and honest to a ‘fault’ person this covering up his sin is very harmful but I do not know how I can handle being left to live on my own now that I am a senior citizen and I had never dreamed I would be having to deal with this kind of thing over the years …I was not unaware of the dangers but I sought to avoid this …and even discussed cheating with my husbnad and it s damage before and during marriage …but he was very stealth and good at deceit.
I asked him how he was able to continue this sinful lifestyle even as we were intentional about being faithful to our Lord and when others were in adultery and he heard my repeated thoughts on these things …how did he continue to do what he was doing !
He has no answer except when pressed he simply says he does not believe in God nor is willing to seek out how to change himself …he will take what he gets is his view.
Zaza,
You are in a tough situation. You have made promises to your husband, which are important to honor. Although he is not behaving honorably and not honoring you above all others along with disregarding the vows he made to you, ..You do not have to violate the vows you made to him, or the promise about secrecy. Your situation is very different that the other one I have been commenting on, and calls for a different course of action.
To use a Biblical illustration, you are caught in a situation like Jepthah. You made a rash promise, that you will need to keep. His listening to CD’s, books, etc., tells me that he knows about what he is doing, which is a double-life. With the recent move, you are caught in a dependency situation with little support. Your God is big enough to handle that part of things. You just need to honor what you promised him and choose not to do wrong.
Cheaters often get their spouses caught up in keeping their secret with them. At that point, it is akin to a co-addiction. You may not have be the one acting out, yet your part in keeping the secrets are allowing it to continue.
As painful as it is, you may need to pay close attention to the cycle of interactions. Look for patterns. Once you see them and understand them, you may want to do what you can to disrupt or change the patterns. Even little changes can lead to big results.
Thank you …your comments mean so much to me as I have not been able to find anyone biblically savvy in areas of marital infidelity that I feel confident in sharing with . Many are out there but not of the biblical roots from what I feel is sufficient to relate to such as homeschooling and the unique way that effects the lives of those in it .
Also many are post adultery oriented which is good but they may not have this biblical worldview
Then there are those who are trained in pathologies but are not specifically of a back ground with adultery as it is a very specialized sort of situation.
Thank you for your fellowship in this most difficult situation …I will try to take this counself into my further walking …
When I speak to him I try to come at it from the point of concern for the effect of his life upon the children of adultery as well as out own in that he has continued to make decisions based upon his old carnal thinking and what the humanist world view says about fatherhood and responsibilities….this is difficult because he does not want to make an effort toward a mental change…ie Renewed mind upon the word of GOD.
So I pointed out that doing the same thing from the same ‘resources ‘ which he has used to make decisions in relationship has brought him to this point ..and so how does he believe he is equipped to make such a decision without the counsel that I have been using for my own walk …especially where it concerns the effects of my decisions upon others.
He is deaf to this idea …I think it confronts his ‘ego’ I
I try to affirm what IS good and positive but without compromising the truths of the word
What we think effects how we choose…and thinking in ways that are agreeable and approved by the world often oppose the wisdom of GOD …we have to make up our minds if we will live in a way that pleases GOD by following the Lord ….or concerned more about what man thinks and be our own lord.
His choice seems to be following his feelings as they have been twisted around this woman …She makes ultimatums…such as she told him not to bring bible around her children when he gave a copy of Proverbs chapter 1- 7 to the daughter and told her that they could read it together …this was on the heels of the girls telling him that she ‘hates Christians’ …clearly the worldview of her mother …
He is unwilling to rock her boat even as he now says he hates her…the mother…
what a mess …keeping GOD’S priorities makes life so much easier in so many ways .
Learning that “no’ is a good thing when too many request for our time and resources press in with ‘good ‘ or ‘urgent ‘ needs of other who are not within the godly jurisdiction …He refused to take on that wise counsel and continues to be pulled in all directions …
I asked him which life now as he looks back is the one made by the counsel of the word …despite the growth and going through various corrections of doctrine …or his way which was led by greed , lust and fear ….he still continues to stick with his way even as he has to admit that following the Lord was a more useful and bettter way …His mind is ‘trained’ by a lengthy submission to this woman …so he sees everything …including ME through the veil of this woman …and his own lying paridigm
He does not relate to me as ME …but as he would if I were her…
He fears and doubts my trustworthiness even having experienced my loyalty and unbending commitment to being honest to a fault ! He only deals with women by his past experiences with those who were intruders into our marriage …now some 32 years of loyalty is not even in his view with me …
This is the effect of the reprobate mind that results from having KNOWN the word of GOD and turning from is as Romans 1 tells us I believe….God does not lie.
Zaza,
Thank you for your kind words. I have made a conscious effort to use the Word and Biblical examples to encourage readers. Since it is so powerful, I am careful about using it in a way that would hurt the readers. When they arrive here, they are not wanted to be preached to, they want answers and direction. They want hope.
You may want to remind yourself that “We wrestle not against flesh and blood…”. In other words, your husband is not the enemy, but rather what is working through him is the enemy.
I too am a Christian that struggles with relationship issues. I believe in the word of God but dont know doctrine like you guys appear to. Arent there many examples in the Bible of God becoming impatient with His sinful/prideful children? Hasn’t he literally destroyed men for these follies? If God has abandoned His own children for sin, why would a wife be held to a higher standard? Isn’t it reasonable to assume that if God’s light no longer shines within a man, that the wife has the right to find a man whose light will shine? I believe so. God wants us happy, and it may require leaving an unrepentant sinner to become whole. I think it’s ok because God has already left him.
Stormy,
You ask some tough questions with answers that are equally tough. You have two Biblical answers. One, you could lay claim to the promises of II Peter 3, and intercede on behalf of your husband. That means that you would have to allow God time to work on them. Option #2 is that you could leave him, although in doing so, you would need to shelf the idea of remarriage. The third option, which many Christians opt for is to divorce them, citing that they were married to an unbeliever, then find a believing spouse to marry. I have seen God honor this choice, yet…it restricts the vision He had for your life. Option #3 is allowed, yet not the soundest of choices.