When your pastor has an affair, it is especially damaging. When you find out about the affair, you may have questions as to what to do. These are painful questions to consider, yet they have to be addressed. I understand that pastors are human and often struggle with their emotions and passions. I also know that pastors are often not trained in handling their emotions, counter-transference, and how to have healthy family relationships. There are some that are trained in these areas, yet a great majority are not.
First, let me point out that just because they have an affair does not immediately disqualify them from being a pastor. Yes, it damages their reputation, but that does not mean that the ‘calling’ has been removed. If they were genuinely called into the ministry as a pastor, there are ‘no outs’ from that. They may have to take on another role or position where they can continue their responsibilities.
On hearing of them having the affair, you will want to be sure that it is not just a vicious rumor. Many pastors have been ‘set up’ with false accusations. I recall that at one church I attended, there was an episode where a young woman came into the church office totally nude. The pastor reacted by running out. When someone is a pastor, there are often reactions from the community or congregation when they start taking stands. Some people are devious enough to set pastors up, or crazy enough to walk into their offices nude.
To substantiate the affair, you need at least two witnesses. Given their position, you want to make sure that you are correct before confronting them with just rumor. On finding the two witnesses, you will then proceed to confront the pastor on the matter in private. After confronting them, you will then need to allow them a period of time to take action. If no action or inadequate action is taken, the next option is the public confrontation. If they do not take action at that point, you will need to take action in the form of either leaving, reporting or removing the pastor.
One of the problems with pastors having affairs is that it compromises their message. They will have a blind spot in the area of affairs and the associated areas. Their whole idea of the marriage relationship will be distorted and perverted. Sitting under their teaching will effect you. Compromises in the pulpit will lead to compromises in doctrine and eventually compromises in the morals of the congregation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
