When you discover an on-going affair, you are faced with several choices. You can ignore it, which is not a good choice unless your life is in danger.
You can confront it, which if your spouse is vindictive or has a history of violence could be problematic, or you can do things to sabotage the affair. Even the option of sabotaging the affair can be a problem if you don’t have a history of being devious and sneaky.
Since all affairs are different, finding a simple answer to sabotage it isn’t possible. What you can do is look for relationship patterns.
Consider whether secrecy is important. When secrecy is important, you can sabotage this by leaking photos or evidence of what’s going on. Secrecy is a powerful force. Removing the secrecy takes away some of the power of the relationship.
If the use of cellphones are an important part of the relationship, you can always erase their contact information or find ways of disrupting the cell phone contact. Depending on the type of affair, you could send phantom text messages to the lover or lover’s family.
There are ways that you can disguise where the messages came from by removing the caller id. You can also use the cheater’s phone in sending messages, which adds embarrassment to the situation.
With many cheaters, money is a paramount issue. Finding ways of limiting their access to funds or tying up their funds often puts a damper on the affair.
Cheaters need money to keep the affair going. When there’s no money, the affair loses its charm. An old German saying is “Where no money is, love flies out the window“. This saying has many applications when it comes to affairs.
The cheater is counting on you following daily routines and patterns. Changes in routines and patterns have a disruptive effect on relationships including affairs.
Anything that you can do that changes patterns, even something as simple as changing how you drive home or the times of your comings and goings will sabotage the affair.
These may seem mean, but, you’re fighting for your marriage and your family. They aren’t fighting fair, so you better wake up to that.
Is it more important to play nice and not hurt feelings or get your spouse back? When you consider that they have lied, cheated and betrayed your loyalties, you view things differently.
In the ebook, ‘Why Wasn’t I Enough?” I deal with the most frequently asked questions about affairs. In it you’ll find topics like spying along with other areas impacted by affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Dear Mr. Murrah, I have been married for over 20 years and I know my husband is having an affair with someone. I still love him and I told him that if he would stop it we could work on our marriage and get counseling. What I’m about to tell you I’m sure you will think I’m crazy, but it’s true. I bought a spy camera and put it in the bedroom, and saw my husband having sex with some girl. I had many videos of this until he found out and he stole my camera and deleted the videos. He brings her into our home while we are sleeping and has had sex in every room , even with our daughter in the house. I believe he is spiking my drinks , because I have noticed that I am really groggy in the morning and I can’t stay awake after 8 p.m. I keep finding lipstick on the pillows and sheets. I have clothing of his that has stains on it also. He sneaking her in the house every night and I have tried to stay awake and I always fall asleep . I cry every morning because I can’t stay awake and I am so angry at him. I don’t have a job and all my family has passed away. I have a sister in another state but she won’t help me out. I’m so alone in this. Please help me, if you can. . I need to talk with an expert. Thank you
Ann,
Thank you for writing. First, I edited your initial comment to hide any identifying information from your personal account. I do not think that you are crazy. Some cheaters go to extreme measures in what they do. Stealing your property and using drugs are definitely extreme things to do. If anything, I felt sick to my stomach in reading your account when I think about how low your husband has stooped. I found it repulsive to consider. When a cheater gets that extreme, it concerns me.
Having sex in all the rooms reminds me of an animal marking its territory. Someone is very much caught up in control and power games, but is unwilling to face you about it. I do not know if it is your husband or the lover or perhaps the weirdness that happens when they are together. Some cheaters go ‘extreme’ when the lover puts them up to things. It is clear that they do not respect you or your home. Your husband has already shown that he does not respect the boundaries of your property.
In terms of the clothing with stains, there are products like checkmatetest, and SSDI, that you can use to test them for semen. You may want to consider using them. That would definitely confirm that something took place. Having proof would confirm your suspicions.
It is concerning that someone has resorted to possible use of chemicals. Whenever one of the parties goes to that extreme, it concerns me and makes me wonder how ‘far’ they are willing to go. I am not sure if the cheater has some hidden hatred or that the lover is desperate to get your man. Someone is taking drastic measures. They are not playing by any rules of common decency, which makes them potentially dangerous.
I encourage you to develop a support network with friends or people at church. Something is going on and you will need the encouragement and help of others in getting through it.
Jeff