Affairs often reveal what your values truly are. During such times, you find out what you really do believe, along with who your God is and how big He is.
It is during times like affairs that you find out where you really go to seek comfort, and who you find comfort with.
The place or person you go to for comfort and hope reveals what your values truly are. You may talk about your source of comfort or strength, but when you are shaken to your core, as with an affair, you find out your true source of comfort.
For some of you, it may be drugs, or alcohol. For others, it is in the company of friends and distractions. Some will seek out lovers, while other seek out and cry out to God.
Prior to this, you may have never had to rely on anyone other than your spouses. Now that they let you down, you find out what gives you comfort and hope.
Hope and comfort are essential. You need them during this time.
Let me illustrate these ideas with the story of Frank. Frank was reluctant to come into counseling. When I started talking with him, he presented the impression that all was well with him and that he had the answers he needed to get through the affair crisis.
Although Frank gave me all kinds of respectable answers, it did not feel right. I started explaining to him that many times, people had two sets of answers to the issues they are facing. One is the respectable answers, and the other is the “real” answers.
After pointing this out to him, I put a chair in the center of the room. In that chair, I placed an object representative of what he went to for his comfort. I began reviewing the situation he was facing and how he coped with different painful scenarios.
I pointed out where he actually went for comfort. With each episode, he grew more uncomfortable. He began realizing where he had actually been going for hope and comfort.
He began seeing how his actual source of hope and comfort was weakening rather than strengthening his marriage. He also began seeing how that source of hope and comfort was controlling him.
Whenever it called his name, he was there. Whenever he was scared, he went to this source. It was his “go to”. He had never thought of his “go to” as his god, but now he realized it was.
At first he was defensive to any accusations directed at his “go to”. He denied that it had power over him. He defended the reputation of the “go to”. His “go to” just took his mind off of things. He even reacted angrily when I dared question him about his “go to”.
His “go to” was controlling him! When he realized that he had a look of shock, followed by a crying episode. It suddenly hit him what happened!
Frank realized that his “go to” had become his god. He served that god and look to it for comfort. This is where he went for hope. He was willing to answer the call of the “go to” no matter what time of day or night. He constantly thought about his “go to”. The “go to” was now controlling him.
That moment changed Frank. You also have to consider what is your “go to?” Is it the lover? a trusted friend? Jack Daniels? Jose Cuervo? Johnny Walker? drugs? sex?
This is a question for both you and the cheater. Each of you need comfort and hope, but who or where do you go?
Best Regards,
Jeff
