A few years ago, my wife and I took salsa dance lessons. Each week we drove to the other side of Austin for our weekly lessons. Each week our skills improved and we started looking like we knew what we were doing. The teacher even made us a practice CD filled with salsa tunes. As we went through the CD, track by track, our salsa skills improved.
One week my ankle was inflamed. That week each step and move increased my level of pain. What had been an enjoyable form of exercise now turned into subtle torture. I would step and stab in pain. I would turn slowly and in pain. Each simple move became a task with failed expectations. As we got to the last track on our practice CD, I was ready to give up the dance lessons altogether.
The dance class suddenly turned into something I no longer enjoyed. I didn’t hate salsa, but the moves were hurting me. I recalled the story of dance pain on coming across a reference to “the toxic dance of staggered disclosure”. When it comes to affair disclosure, having the truth come out a little at a time makes things worse.
When a person is involved in an affair, they are living a lie. Sometimes the lie is discovered quickly. Sometimes it takes time to catch on. When the truth comes out slowly, it increases deception and betrayal pain. The longer the lie goes on, the more it hurts when it’s finally told.
If you are the one who has been lied to, think about how you want to find out the truth. Would you rather have your spouse tell you a little at a time or get it all out in the open? In my experience, it’s better to get it all out at once. It may be painful in the moment, but it allows for faster healing time.
Although I wish I’d coined the title “Toxic dance of staggered disclosure”, it is fitting. When disclosure is eked out a little at a time, it turns toxic. A toxic dance hurts all involved. Even a person not cheated on should care about this toxicity.
The damage of staggered disclosure is done to the marriage and to the children. When a person cheats, it’s not just their spouse who gets hurt – but also the children.
One of the toxic effects is that it poisons trust. It leaves you unsure as to whether or not you can trust your spouse. You’re never sure if you know all the important facts or if the other shoe is about to drop.
A second toxic effect is the erosion of your ability to trust your own intuition. The mixed messages that happen with staggered disclosure puts you in a bind. Your intuition or gut tells you one thing, while your spouse tells you something else.
Being torn between your spouse and your gut is a horrid place to be. You are forced to choose one over the other. In either case, you still suffer. There are no easy answers.
Staggered disclosure is a toxic dance.
As the truth of an affair unfolds, each new piece of information can be devastating. The added weight and pain of deception is not something you need to suffer through.
The cheater may think they are doing you a favor with staggered disclosure. In reality, they are poking a wound more each day instead of letting it heal. Each new disclosure rips off any healing scab and makes the scars more permanent.
When you’ve been through the agony of staggered disclosure, trust has been damaged if not utterly destroyed. Your relationship needs help from the ground up.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”, you can learn solid ways of reconstructing trust in your marriage. At that point, it’s no longer blind trust. You need something solid to count on. This video shows you ways of building on a solid foundation.
Your marriage needs a foundation since the old one’s been destroyed. Knowing what to build that foundation on makes a big difference.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
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