Around my home, we joke about getting our ‘daily fix’ of coffee in the mornings. There is a sensation that comes with that morning fix that gives a reassurance that I can handle whatever comes my way. Although I’d never thought about the assurance that comes with my regular morning coffee fix, it’s there. I realize that the comfort comes not just from any coffee, it has to be the coffee in my mug.
It becomes a comforting ritual. When the morning fix goes well, there’s the hope that the rest of the day falls into place as well. There’s something about the first shot of our Guatemalan coffee in our favorite mugs. Each of us has our own mug. You don’t mess with our coffee mugs and give the wrong cups to the wrong person. One of the stressors about having weekend overnight guests is that they often drink from the wrong coffee cups.
Although I jest about my daily fix, there are some of you that have daily fixes as well. Some are positive and others are negative. One of the traits of living with a sexual addict is needing a daily fixation over your spouse’s addiction.
This is not a positive fix.
A positive daily fix could be working out, taking a brisk walk, writing in your journal or reading for pleasure. It’s anything that soothes your soul and gives you a sense of peace and calm. It’s something to look forward to each day that gives you hope and joy.
In the case of your daily fix, when it comes to living with a sex addict, it’s a negative fix. There’s a daily rumination about fears of what may happen. There’s your obsessing about the addiction and what it brings. They don’t care how you feel, whether you have a headache or the status of your health. They DEMAND that you meet their needs. Along with their needs is all the emotional baggage that comes with their actions.
In this case, its daily isolation, shame, confusion, fears and confusion. Each day starts off with a replay of how you were betrayed. Rather than giving you the reassurance that you can handle things, your confidence is taken from you on a daily basis. The focus on the negative eats away at your security and even how you look at yourself.
Your daily fix is about one event removing your self-esteem each morning. It’s a reminder how you are wanted for what you can do for them rather than for who you are. It’s a daily reminder of how little your spouse thinks of you and your value to them.
Even when you tell yourself, “I don’t need that”, it’s there. Those daily affirmations don’t dilute the feelings of helplessness as much as you need them to. When this happens, you are stuck in Affair Trauma. That daily fix is a reminder that keeps you there.
The good news is that there are ways out of it when you’re ready to leave your daily negative fix behind. In the video “Getting Past Affair Trauma”, I guide you through the challenges.
If you are like many people, even though it’s negative, you need your daily fix. When you get tired of suffering, order the video and start making real changes.
Change is scary and messy, but it’s worth the risk. Any change has risks, since you are disrupting the routine. Although routine gives comfort, they become traps when they’re negative routines.
Your daily fix may be working against you and keeping you in the role of victim. Remember, that’s a role that you can change.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
