Paradoxes fascinate me. There is something about them I find intriguing. One paradoxical statement I encountered in family therapy is “the problem is not the problem, the problem is the solution.”
It’s one of those statements that you have to ponder and think through. At first glance, it seems contradictory or nonsensical, yet a deeper examination reveals the truth behind it.
Another paradox I am currently pondering is how “sexual liberation” for one spouse brings sexual bondage for the other. This is especially true with affairs.
With affairs, one of you wants ‘sexual liberation’. In seeking out and fulfilling that liberation, it brings heartache and bondage to the other spouse. This is a paradox. When liberation brings bondage, it’s not really liberation. If you’re not free to leave it behind, then it isn’t ‘liberation’. If you have to keep it secret, it’s not liberation. If it doesn’t bring liberation to you and your spouse, it isn’t true liberation.
That kind of liberation is one-sided. It’s a selfish kind of liberation.
In previous generations, terms like whore monger or slut were used for those seeking this kind of ‘sexual liberation. Those promoting it called it ‘free love’ or ‘non-procreative eros’, yet the bottom line is they were sleeping around. They indulge in their desires without consequences for their actions.
That kind of behavior destroys the spirit of your marriage. Instead of your relationship being special, you are just another notch in their bedpost. You are the sexual conquest they decided to room with.
In order to have a healthy and thriving relationship, both spouses need to be moving in the same direction. They both need to be committed to the same things.
If one spouse is committed to sexual liberation and the other isn’t, it creates an imbalance in the relationship. It comes at a price.
Their liberation has destroyed your emotional security. You are no longer special or secure. If it was liberation in the truest sense, it would bring a freeing up of both of you emotionally, in your relationships and so forth.
If the cheater’s liberation didn’t bring those things, it wasn’t truly liberating. If anything their actions brought more irritation and frustration than liberation. That’s the paradox. What is called liberation brings anything but liberation. This has more double-speak behind it than a politician at election time.
If cheaters were honest, they would call it ‘sexual selfishness’ rather than liberation. Their indulgence is definitely more about self-indulgence than liberty.
It frees up many unpleasant feelings, including fear, insecurity, the desire for revenge, and betrayal. You don’t have more honesty, more love and more caring. The trade-off isn’t fair. It’s all one-sided, with the lasciviousness on one side and suffering on the other.
If you’ve been the victim of a cheater who sought ‘sexual liberation’, there’s hope. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in regaining your old self. It helps you calm yourself and pick up the pieces of yourself that have been scattered to the four corners.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
