One of the areas partners struggle with in overcoming the effects of an affair is that concerning objectivity. Because an affair effects the people in such a personal manner, it is taken as a personal offense. When there is a personal offense, leading to hurt, ones initial response is to hurt back. That tendency to hurt back is a natural reaction to a threat. Once the desire to hurt has subsided, then I work the couple in an attempt to view what happened in an objective manner.
The key questions in addressing these issues are “What really happened?” and “Am I taking this personally?”. Although on the surface these are simple questions, working through them is often a difficult challenge. Since the affair is taken as a personal attack, it is difficult for the parties to identify what actually occurred. People read into the events all kinds of motives and intentions. Those imposed motives and intentions often keep the partners from seeing what actually did and did not happen. I have also seen that objectivity is gradual. A person is not able to be objective all at once. When they begin the recovery process, they see portions of what occurred in an objective manner.
If you are on the road to recovery, remember that objectivity will take time. Do not beat yourself up if you are not there yet, it is a gradual thing. Given the personal nature of affair wounds, it is difficult to see things objectively. It is also worth noting that what the goal is that ether is enough objectivity to work on the relationship, it is not so important that there is 100% objectivity.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
