Besides pain, one of the things affairs generate is a lot of questions. They bring up situations and feelings that you never or seldom ever considered before.
A recent question that came my way is “He’s putting all the blame on me. How can I deal with the stress of my situation?”
In dealing with relationship problems, one of the common strategies for avoiding them is called ‘blaming the victim’. When the cheater blames you as a victim, they shrug off blame and responsibility for the affair onto their wife. It can be an effective way to make themselves feel better, but it ultimately does nothing to help the relationship.
When you are the one being blamed, it can be incredibly stressful. You may feel like you are constantly on edge, waiting for the next thing to happen. You may also feel like you can’t do anything right in your partner’s eyes.
In order to cope with this feeling, it is important to remember that regardless of what your partner says, you were not the one who chose to cheat. It was a decision they made in spite of any actions or feelings they had. No matter how much blaming he does, do not take responsibility for something you had no control over.
When a cheater looks for someone to blame, it’s easier to blame anyone else but the person who made the decision to cheat. Rather than man up to their choices, they use blame as a way of excusing what they did.
My first recommendation in such situations is “don’t accept the blame!” Just because they blame you doesn’t mean you have to accept it. When you accept the blame, it validates their accusation.
Remember, you are not responsible for their choices and actions. If they want to cheat, that is on them, not you.
First, it makes the fairy tale they are promoting sound real. It gives legs to their lies. When you refuse to accept the blame and lies, it keeps the blame from taking a life of its own.
Second, remind yourself that they made the choice to cheat. You may or may not have done things contributing to the situation, but they chose the option of cheating.
Part of reminding yourself of their choice includes you not picking up the blame they directed at you. Recall that the stress you’re feeling is coming from the reactions you’re having inside.
There are things you can do that shrink or remove toxic patterns between you and your spouse. In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” I share ways of changing how the two of you deal with each other. Click the link and download the video now in order to start making those changes.
Each day you put off making change allows the unhealthy patterns another day of influencing your thinking and emotions. The longer those unhealthy patterns remain, the deeper they sink into your heart and brain.
Change is possible. It can also start today rather than putting it off any longer.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
