A line from a recent blogger post caught my attention. The blogger said, “It hurts too much. Is a second chance worth it?”
Just the choice of their words screams how conflicted they are over their situation. The conflicted-ness is one of those effects of affairs that many articles ignore. I’m not sure if it’s because most people don’t want to admit that an affair can have such a profound impact on someone or if it’s because many in society are still so entrenched in the “once a cheater, always a cheater” mentality.
Affairs put you in unnatural binds and “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations. There are no conflict-free or pain-free solutions.
When this is the first time you’ve faced such a situation, it will hurt. Your marriage was never designed for these situations. It hurts and now you have to consider what you’re going to do about it.
The bind you’re in should tell you that making pain or conflict avoidance determine your decisions is a bad move. When you allow pain or freedom from conflict to drive your choices, you’re giving up. You’re also settling for choices being forced upon you and giving up your voice.
As to whether or not a second chance is worth it to you, it depends on what your values are. If you value your relationship and want love, the second chance may be a workable option.
On the other hand, if you want to avoid conflict and find an easy way out, the second chance isn’t worth it. Giving them a second chance requires effort on your part and theirs. It’s definitely not a guarantee that things will be better.
In the end, it’s up to you whether or not a second chance is worth it. You have to decide what your values are and if they match what you want in life.
Rather than asking if the second chance is worth it, a better question would be whether they believe in second chances or whether they believe in the commitment of marriage. Even more challenging is whether you believe that you are worth someone making a second effort to work things out with you.
These aren’t easy questions to consider. Your whole situation isn’t easy.
What I can tell you is that any recovery from an affair requires an Affair Relapse Plan. You need a plan in place for dealing with future temptations and high-risk situations.
Failing to have a plan opens the possibility of another affair. You say you don’t want another one to happen. Instead of you and your spouse just talking about no more affairs, put a plan in place that addresses the problem.
Removing the present affair doesn’t remove the danger of future affairs. If you’re unsure about how to avoid affair relapse or never addressed relapse-related issues, you may need some assistance in developing a custom plan for your needs.
It’s one thing to talk about a plan, but have you done it? If not, you need help in moving past this road bump on your way to recovery.
Contact me for times and availability in helping the two of you move past the affair and reduce the risk of another one. Write me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
