One of the questions I hear in dealing with infidelity is “Can an affair be forgiven?” Those asking it have real concerns. They’re sincerely searching for answers.
There are fears that if they forgive, it’ll only happen again, or that the cheater is not sincere or some other concern.
The simple answer is ‘NO’. The act of the affair can’t be forgiven. Although the act can’t be forgiven, the cheater can be.
You can forgive people, but you can’t forgive acts. This isn’t psychobabble double-talk. There is a significant difference between the person and what they do.
One reason forgiveness gets messed up is that most people misunderstand it and try forgiving the behavior rather than the person. This is more than just semantics. The difference between the two is significant.
You may be one of those struggling with forgiveness because you forgave the affair rather than the cheater. The cheater can be repentant, the affair on the other hand never repents or asks for forgiveness.
Forgiving the wrong thing has far-reaching consequences. When you attempt forgiving the affair, you are putting your stamp of approval on what happened. You’re effectively saying “the affair is OK“.
Once you forgive their affair BEHAVIOR, you lose ground in taking important stands preventing relapse. Forgiving the affair BEHAVIOR opens the door to more of the same.
This means, you need to seriously consider the object of your forgiveness. Forgiveness is essential, yet misplaced forgiveness creates more problems than it resolves.
I understand the temptation of forgiving the affair. You want to put it behind you.
You want to move ahead. Forgiveness allows you to move ahead. It also matters what the object of your forgiveness is. Who or what you forgive matters.
Messed up forgiveness equates to no forgiveness. Forgiveness is too important a matter to throw out there in vain hopes it fixes things. The object of your forgiveness, the timing of it and how you do it all matter.
If your idea of forgiveness needs some help, consider the video : “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” will guide you through the whole process. Having clarity on forgiveness makes it a useful tool in helping the two of you move past the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
