Yesterday I touched on forgiveness and how getting it right is important. Often couples think that the forgiveness alone is what it takes for reconciliation between the two of you.
To put is simply, couples pose the question, “We’ve forgiven, now what?”
Forgiveness is a good start, yet reconciling the relationship takes more. The reconciling or coming together again after an affair requires some other attributes.
One of those is that the cheater needs to initiate the reconciling. They broke the trust and it’s important that they take the initial step in repairing things.
The offender must initiate healing for the offense.
The betrayed can take initiative, yet that leads to less than ideal conditions. When the betrayer takes initiative for healing the marriage, it signals the start of several important processes.
It starts a shifting of responsibility. It starts removing the guilt. It starts changing the relationship dynamics. It starts behavior changes in your marriage.
Total healing involves each of these areas. For that reason, you want them all going in a healthy direction. Shifting just a few keeps any patterns of dysfunction going.
Forgiving without taking responsibility in clearing up the damage leaves the wounds in neglected shape.
Optimal healing comes when these areas work together. Just forgiving stops short of allowing these processes to shift in a healthy direction.
Taking responsibility is important. This means each spouse accepts FULL responsibility for what they said or did. Accepting responsibility also means that the blaming stops.
When blaming continues, it signals that someone isn’t taking responsibility seriously or completely.
Reconciling is great, yet it only starts after the forgiveness issues are settled. If you’re not sure where to start or how it works, consider the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks”.
The video guides you through the process and starts you on the way to reconciling.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
