In working with couples, there are times when they could’ve preventing big problems by following simple rules. Not doing the simple things leads to complicated situations.
Those relationship dilemmas where your first response is “it’s complicated” begin as compromises about simple rules. Things like not dating people you work with, not keeping how you feel concerning relationships from your spouse and not ending your marriage to your ex-spouse.
Anytime you answer “it’s complicated” indicates lines are blurred and priorities are in conflict. It also says you don’t have a clear idea of the issues or their solution.
Compromising on basic issues like these leads to major problems. Each of them starts off as ‘small compromises’ that are often about ‘keeping the peace’.
The choices you make in putting ‘keeping the peace’ ahead of your marriage relationship create major headaches. I mention these due to each of them involving loyalty issues.
These compromises put you or your spouse in a place where they are conflicts concerning loyalty. Those loyalty bonds often trigger guilt reactions. Instead of setting a boundary or saying ‘no’, the attempt is made of appeasing to keep the peace.
When you choose to ”keep the peace“, it’s only for a short period of time. With that choice, you give up a piece of yourself for the sake of the relationship. You haven’t really solved or worked through anything. All you did was buy some time at your expense.
The peace lasts until another loyalty conflict comes up. The problem is that after you compromise once, it becomes easier doing it the second or third time. Your resistance and ability to say no decreases with each time you give in.
Technically, I view these loyalty compromises as ‘soft blackmail’. I call it soft blackmail, since they don’t always have stated threats. You may even just be imagining the threats.
What is clear is that if these compromises are happening, your marriage is at risk. The time for dealing with these issues is now.
Rather than ‘kicking the can down the road’, take action. When the action you take is delaying decisions, it only makes the next decision either more difficult or with higher stakes.
Following the simple rules helps reduce relationship troubles. Although it’s too late to undo the bad choices you’ve already made, you can start changing the direction things are headed with your choices today.
One of the simple choices that will help your marriage is to make it the priority relationship and start doing repairs today. One way of starting those repairs is by talking about what really happened.
Have you or your spouse been unfaithful?
You are not alone. Millions of people have had an affair and millions more will in the future. But there is hope! There are many ways to recover from infidelity, but it takes a lot of work on your part. This workshop will help guide you through that process step by step with videos, MP3 recordings and outlines covering the material so you can listen again and again as you work through these challenges.
The Affair Recovery Workshop is designed for improving your marriage relationship as you work through them. Rather than keeping the peace, start working on lasting solutions.
The workshop includes videos and MP3 recordings along with outlines covering the material so that when it’s time to talk about what happened, both partners know how they got here and where they want to go next together. It also has exercises for couples who want to heal their marriage after an affair or learn how to avoid one altogether in the first place!
In the video series of the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I guide you through the challenges of starting up those tough talks and re-engaging with your spouse.
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Keeping It Real,
Jeff
