At any given time, I find myself in the midst of being in a series of roles. I am a husband, father, son, grandfather and brother. Each role has its own set of expectations and rules.
The rules of each role specify what I can and can’t do along with what I can and can’t say. Those limitations don’t constrain me as much as they let me know what’s my business and what’s not my business.
Those rules also let me know what situations are my responsibility and which are not my circus. Just because I see something doesn’t mean it’s up to me to jump into the middle of it.
The roles let me have guidelines on handling the myriad of situations that come my way. It also lets me know which people take precedence over the others when there are conflicting priorities.
I mention roles in relation to affairs due to many of you experiencing confusion in this area. When your spouse has an affair do you deal with it as a spouse or as a parent?
Although you’re married to them, the intensity of your reaction may trigger the parental role in coming out and dealing with the cheater. They need a spouse rather than a parent.
Confusing the parent role and spouse role poses challenges when you are facing betrayal or moral issues like those presented by affairs. There’s also a good likelihood that your parent came out and you may not have even realized it.
Those roles have a way of coming out during times of high stress. It’s typically only after something came out of your mouth that you realized you sounded like your mother or your father.
You may have cussed them out and punished them like a disapproving parent. In doing so, you talked down to them, treating them like something that was less than human.
They hurt you, so you HURT them back with mean, vindictive words.You used your words to beat them like a misbehaving dog. They may have even started cowering like a dog in reaction to what you did.
That’s a sure sign that the parent role came out rather than the spousal role. When your spouse needed their other half, instead they received a parental chewing out.
If this sounds like your situation, purchase the Affair Recovery Workshop. The workshop addresses the importance of rules and roles, which are likely topics that the two of you have only touched on if your addressed it at all.
From the reactions, neither one of you is clear on what a husband and wife are supposed to do, nor what is expected of you in that position.
Changes are needed in your marriage. With the video, you can know where change are needed. Instead of haphazardly making change, you can instead know what changes will strategically bring the most change and lasting results.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
