Although family is supposed to be a ‘safe’ place for seeking support, may times it’s not, especially if you are dealing with ‘evil parents.’
Handling Evil Parents <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re with me today. I want to thank you for tuning in to today’s podcast. The subject for today is going to be how to deal, or how to handle, evil parents.
Although family is supposed to be a safe place where we seek support, in many cases it’s not. Especially when you’re dealing with evil parents. When you have evil parents combined with an affair situation it can be a very difficult situation, and you need to know how to deal with these people.
In using the term evil parents I’m referring to those parents that actually want to seek the destruction of your marriage. There are some parents out there that actively work at destroying the marriages of their kids.
They may not like you, they may feel like you’re not a good fit for their kid, and so they work at undermining, if not out and out destroying the relationship.
In terms of the evil parents, my own experience in dealing with them, there are two types. There are some that are intentionally evil and some that are unintentionally evil.
The main difference between the intentional versus the unintentional evil is their conscious motivations, not the effects. Because whether or not it’s intentionally evil or unintentional, the end effect is still the same: the destruction of the marriage. Some are intentionally trying to break it up, some were not.
With the intentional they actively seek the end of your marriage. The unintentional passively seek the end of your marriage.
How they do this, they support the cheater in what they’re doing in the affair. I talked about this in some of the previous sessions. They may be some of those parents, I just want little Johnny or little Susie to be happy, and I notice that they’re happier with the cheater than they are with you. Stuff like this is what you’re dealing with.
The solution to this situation is going to be to corral the evil critters, and I’m using the term critters for the parents because they’re hard to deal with.
- You need to set boundaries. In setting the boundaries you’re going to need to find ways to contain the damage and contain these people.
If you don’t the damage is going to spread. One way to set boundaries is learn to say no. You may also have to set boundaries by limiting contact with the parents, limiting how much time you spend with them, limiting how much access they have to the kids.
As part of setting boundaries it’s also going to be important to consider caution when the evil parents offer to babysit. Because many times when parents have evil intentions they may turn an innocent activity like babysitting into a situation where they are actively working to take away your custody and making false accusations about your parenting. This is not beyond them. I have seen this happen, I have worked with couples that have struggled through this. And that’s why I’m telling you be wary of offers to babysit.
If you’ve got an affair situation and you know that you’re dealing with an evil parent situation stick with trusted babysitters. Do not try to use the parents because they are convenient. This is a mistake people make and it’s not one that can easily be undone.
2. When you’re dealing with these parents use questions rather than statements when dealing with them. Because oftentimes when you stick with statements all the time, especially with confrontations, that gives them more fodder to use in the fights with you. Use questions rather than statements.
3. Document, document, document. All the weird behavior and things going on, you will need to document it. Because if things come to a head, and like for instance they call in CPS or there’s divorce proceedings, you’re going to have too much on your mind to be able to recall everything.
That’s why you need to document, because you can’t keep track of everything and how best to deal with it.
Many times if you’ve been good at documenting you can see patterns in their behavior. Because when you see patterns that can lead to predictability. There may be certain times of the month that they are more prone to act out than other times of the month.
Documentation is one way to uncover that pattern. If you have patterns like that you know when you’re at higher risk.
There may be patterns about how they act up when the cheater is engaging in some particular activity. Documenting is a way to deal with that, or at least become aware of it.
The three things are setting boundaries, learn to use questions, and document document document. These are essentially strategies that will help you contain or corral the evil critters. You’re not going to be able to change them and you’re going to have to give up that whole mindset. The best thing you can do is contain them and contain the damage.
This will help you in terms of recovering from the affair, and the damage from the affair. Because with evil parents they see the affair as an opportunity to expand their control and influence and try to take over the situation. And you’ve got to work toward containing what they can do.
This is an uncomfortable part of affair recovery, but one of those that’s necessary to go ahead and address and talk about.
The influence of family is powerful. With affair situations, they can make or damage your marriage. This is why I’ve included a section on family dynamics in the download “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
You need ways of dealing with family patterns, even after the affair is over. Knowing what to look for along with ways of dealing with them are in the workshop. The information can help you in dealing with the powerful force of family.
Best Regards,
Jeff
