You thought that your spouse would never do some of the things that they did in the affair. You find yourself shocked and surprised.
You may even wonder how they could do what they did, when they would never consider such things in their relationship with you?
In considering such questions, you may find yourself asking ‘why?‘ or even ‘how could that happen?‘
Part of the reason it happens is that when someone is in an affair fog, they are highly suggestible. When the lover suggests things, they are in such a state that they are willing to do it.
The affair fog is a form of hypnotic trance. They are in a hypnotic state with all that entails. This includes suggestibility, changes in behavior, and changes in thinking.
When they’re in such a trance or fog, they do what’s suggested to them. (For more details, consider my e-book “Why does he cheat?, where I go into more detail on this). The effects of the affair fog are often strengthened by the intensity of sexual activity.
The more intense or extreme the sex, the more the affair fog impacts them. The cheater is caught between two worlds.
They become ‘double-minded’ with each mind focused on a different world. When split between the two, the power of the affair fog increases, and their behavior may become more extreme.
These are two distinctly different worlds, with two different sets of behavior standards. Although some cheaters can apparently function in both worlds, they remain torn.
Their ability to function in each world comes with the price of loosing genuine intimacy. They don’t see the price that they have to pay for living the double-life. They don’t see the outcomes of their choices.
There are also some lovers who intentionally use sex as a way to control the cheater. In such cases, the sexual acts are used to create shame which is then used to give them control.
By keeping the cheater, who already feels some guilt in a state where they are ashamed of themselves and degraded, they maintain control over them. They may even resort to using photos or evidence of what happened as a way of continuing the control.
Lovers who mix sex with control pose threats to your marriage. There’s not much difference between these types and blackmailers.
The more extreme the sexual acts, the more control they have. For them, the affair is not about sharing, or intimacy, it’s about control. Sexual acts can be used as a form of hypnotic induction.
Affairs involving bosses or those in positions of power are at risk for becoming relationships based more on power than on intimacy.
Although your spouse wouldn’t intentionally do what they did, the potential is there. It’s true that the lover only takes them where they’re willing to go, yet when the cheater is in the affair fog, they’re willing to follow the lover’s suggestions and whims.
For them, they think it makes the relationship ‘special’. They do not realize that in the end, there will be nothing but brokenness and soul fragments from what they did.
Best Regards,
Jeff
