Undoing the mess of your spouse’s cheating is unpleasant task. The task is part sewage work, part carrion removal and part rock crushing. While carrying out this unpleasant task, you still have to do it with an attitude of love.
Getting rid of the secrets can e daunting at first. Like many unpleasant tasks, it can be done a little at a time.
The first task is to tell yourself the truth about what has happened to you. I address this in more detail in my e-book on Surviving a Cheating Spouse.
Once you have told yourself the truth and accept it with all its warts, you can begin bringing truth to other parts of the relationship. Secrets and lies have become habits. Since they are habits, it will take time to remove them. You will have to confront the secrets and the lies as you encounter them.
This is the reason you have to begin by telling yourself the truth. Without knowing the truth yourself, you can be engulfed in the secrets and lies. Much of the power in secrets are in the alliances behind them. As you tell confront the secrecy and lies, it will need to be done with an attitude of love.
This love will need to be the tough love variety. You confront the secrets because you want the best for you, your spouse and your family. You confront the secrets, because you know that secrets can kill. If not literally, they kill your soul, your ability to trust and the spirit of the marriage. You confront the secrets one at a time. If you try to do it all it once, it will overwhelm you and your spouse. Confront them as you encounter them.
(One caveat-You will not want to know all the details of the cheating. Too much information is dangerous for you and the relationship. Approach it on a need to know basis. Consider what you really need to know and you do not need to know it all. The key question to keep in mind is “Will it bring healing?”. If the secret you are seeking to get rid of has little to do with healing the marriage, but is only about voyeuristic needs, it is best left alone)
Relationships require honesty. In order to bring healing to the relationship, the secrets will need to be exposed and laid bare.
It will take at least six weeks of confronting the secrets before the old habit of keeping secrets in order to avoid facing unpleasant matters.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
PS You will want to sign up for my free newsletter to help you through the challenges ahead. They provide timely encouragement and direction for those struggling through the pain of an affair.
