Rather than talk about ways of building trust, today I’m taking a different approach to the issue of trust. Trust remains the most identified issue readers want to know about, so today, I’ll examine one of the ways trust gets damaged if not destroyed.
Years ago, I came across the book, “If Only He Knew” by Gary Smalley. In one of the chapters was a long list of the many things husbands do that damage trust. It was an eye opener for me.
There are times when knowing what damages trust brings your attention to it, so that it can be taken care of. Some spouses are not dumb, they are just ignorant about the ways they damage trust.
The damage they do is often not driven by malice, but instead driven fear or ignorance.
One of the big ways cheaters damage trust is with staggered disclosure. Rather than tell you what happened, the give it to you a little at a time.
They may think this approach is keeping you from hurting as much. They may believe what they are doing is a good thing.
The first problem with staggering out disclosure is that it keep the pain going for a long time. About the time you adjust to what you were told, you find out some new details bringing you hurt all over again.
The second problem with staggering information is that it damages trust. Each time more information is shared, it’s a hammer blow to trust.
When trust is hammered again and again, it eventually wears down. You start trusting them again and WHAM! you’re hit with more upsetting information.
The repeated hammer blows to trust make forgiveness and recovery harder. They also plant seeds of doubt.
You begin wondering if you can ever trust anything the cheater says.
The sad thing is that you’re right. You can’t be sure what to believe or if you have the whole story.
That doubt makes knowing where you stand and where your marriage relationship stands a fuzzy guess at best.
You’re never sure of where things stand since things keep shifting. Never being sure of where things stand is stressful.
One way of regaining your bearings and having a clearer idea of where you may stand is via support groups. You may want to consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. Hearing the insights and stories of others helps.
You’ll also have access to the videos and articles you need for affair recovery as part of your membership.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Spot on! Trickle truth is devastating! I have lived it and it does get you to the point of never feeling like you can trust a word they say….. my personal thoughts are full disclosure is probably more than most will ever give. Reality is probably as bad or worse than I or others imagine!
Anonymous,
I like your term ‘trickle truth’. Dragging out the information is more destructive than had they done full disclosure. Although I didn’t mention it in the article, this is one reason why hearing your spouse out without interrupting them is important.
Those interruptions often lead to only partial truths getting out. Instead of attacking the cheater, or name calling or cussing them out, the most powerful thing you can do is listen and respond with the one word response “and”. If you’d like you can use the phrase “is there any more?”
Those kind of responses open the door to disclosure more than flying into a rage or attacking them.
The installment plan version of telling the truth definitely hurts trust.
Thank you for sharing your comment.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Anonymous,
Trickle truth is damaging. There are many motivations for it and none are good.