In one of my e-books, I addressed the most frequently asked questions about affairs. Although I addressed what at the time were the most frequently asked questions, there’s always one or two that sneak up.
One of those questions is “Can he change?” Many of you wrestle with this question. You hope it’s possible you wonder if it’s going to happen. You may have fears and anxieties about it. You hope and desire for your husband to change, but you can’t be sure. And I get that. Change is a scary prospect – especially when we consider the possibility of having to pay the consequences if we’re wrong.
I believe change is possible. Your husband or wife can change. You’ve already seen changes happen with the affair. The problem is those weren’t the kinds of changes you were wanting or looking for. The change you want is in a different direction. Getting them to want the same changes you want and going through those changes is challenging.
It’s always easier to question if a change is possible than seriously looking at what’s keeping the change you want from happening.
Let’s start with why change is so important. If your husband or wife has an affair it means something about your marriage isn’t working for them – perhaps lots of things – there are likely many problems in the relationship that weren’t fixed or even addressed. I am also well aware of the saying that “If he’s not wearing diapers, you can’t change him”.
It’s easier to give up than it is to do the work needed to make changes. The place to start is by being open to the possibility they can change. If you don’t believe they’ll ever change, you’ve already given up on the change in your thinking.
Although you still hope they change, it still requires you to give yourself permission to the idea that change is possible. I know that this idea challenges your thinking and mindset. If you don’t believe change is possible, you won’t see options and possibilities when they are in front of you. You won’t see the subtle signs that change is occurring with you and with them.
Change is a natural part of life and we often resist it because it can be uncomfortable and unpredictable. However, when it comes to relationships, change is necessary for growth and improvement. Without change, our relationships become stagnant and unfulfilling.
Making changes also requires your letting go of those things that are keeping you stuck. One of those things is unforgiveness and resentment. The longer you hold onto those things, the less likely you’ll see changes. Holding onto the wrongs puts them in a box that limits how you view them. It limits possibilities. It puts you in the mindset that you going to keep getting what you’ve gotten in the past, as if caught in a Groundhog Day kind of loop.
In my video on “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Wall and Remove the Roadblocks”, I address the process involved in letting go of those things keeping you stuck. You want to move forward yet aren’t sure what to do next. Forgiveness is a crucial step in that process.
Change requires effort and dedication. It’s not easy to break old habits and patterns, but it is possible. One of the key requirements is forgiveness in transforming relationships.
Click and download the video. See for yourself what’s keeping you stuck in your emotions and mindset related to making changes.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
