On encountering the shocking news of an affair, time suddenly stopped for a moment. Your life, emotions, and marriage were immediately put ‘on hold’. Here, I often refer to such times when you’re suddenly put on hold as being ‘on ignore’ (in reference to the being assigned to the flashing ignore button on older phone systems).
At this time, you may find yourself in a state of ‘flickering’ between wanting to confront your partner and wanting to crawl under the covers. You want answers; yet, on the other hand, you fear what ou might hear.
When your spouse has an affair, you are put ‘on ignore’. It’s as if there is a flashing button on your spouse’s phone marked “IGNORE” and that’s where you are in their life.
You’re not just put there momentarily, you are put there and forgotten. Your needs are no longer their primary concern. Your time is no longer a priority for them. It’s as if you were told to ‘take a number’ and wait for your spouse’s affection.
Your status as #1 is gone. Instead of being ushered to the front of the line, you now have to wait for the table scraps of attention. Your feelings are no longer considered. Your pain is dismissed as insignificant.
This ‘on ignore’ state can be very confusing and painful, making it hard to make sense of your new reality. You may feel overwhelmed and helpless because the decision about whether or not to stay married isn’t in your hands.
Being put ‘on ignore’ is the cheater’s way of juggling their life. They want to keep you ‘on the line’ yet they’re not willing to drop everything to focus on you. You may even feel like livestock that is being herded and corralled rather than being loved, honored, and cherished as a spouse.
The whole experience is a demotion. You are no longer a priority to them.
No one likes being put on hold or ignored. When it happens, you suddenly become a ‘non-person’. I hated being put on ignore long before the multi-lingual, pre-recorded select-from-one-of-the-menu choices kind of mayhem you experience at many businesses. I still hate being on ‘ignore’ and find the automated answering systems even more dehumanizing than before.
Being considered a ‘non-person’ carries its own form of pain. Being a non-person also means that they can lie to you and treat you like crap while not feeling guilty. When you are a non-person, they treat you like crap and don’t feel bad about it.
The cheater who put you and your needs ‘on hold’ may view themselves as being caring and loving. This adds a sense of craziness to the situation. They say they love you, yet their actions say otherwise. They view putting things ‘on hold’ as a reasonable way of dealing with the needs of everyone caught up in the affair drama they created.
So when you’re put on hold, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to take it or do something about it? A fellow therapist, Harville Hendricks has observed, “ One person CAN shift the dynamics in a relationship.” Your spouse proved this by putting you on ignore and shifting your relationship.
You can shift the dynamics by taking steps that improve your marriage. The Affair Recovery Workshop is a way of starting a major shift in the dynamics of your marriage. You don’t have to remain passively helpless and stay on ‘ignore’.
The change can start today. You can take yourself off of ‘ignore’.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
