Have you ever wondered what goes on in a therapist’s head? There’s been times I’ve been tempted to write a book on the making of a therapist.
I envisioned a book filled with anecdotes, truisms, and lessons learned from working with the public. There’s been lessons from university professors, old counselors, elderly pastors, and experiences with clients that have shaped the making of me as a therapist.
There are often more lessons learned over a cup of coffee between counselors than what they were taught in the classroom.
One of the lessons I learned is “what’s left out is as important as what gets said“. Those omissions reveal more than the admissions.
You know from dealing with the cheater, how important what they don’t tell you is. Knowing where the holes are in their story reveals a great deal. The secrets they keep reveal many things.
I was reminded of this on reading through a book addressing ethics written by prominent theologians. The section on ‘adultery’ was educating.
The theologian addressed the standard events of King David’s adultery and the woman taken in adultery. He totally left out episodes of religious leaders having affairs along with the wife-swapping episodes.
The omissions were as loud, if not louder than the admissions.
This has taught me that what’s left out can be instructive in life and counseling. Silence speaks louder than words. The details revealed or hidden say much about a person’s character, values, and perspective on life.
When theologians from prominent Ivy League schools leave things like that out, it leaves a huge canyon size hole in the education of young pastors. Think about these omissions and their ramifications. When a pastor has no answer for wife-swapping or pastors sleeping with women that aren’t his wife, it creates some significant gaps and problems.
Limiting the discussion of adultery to when a king has an affair and when someone was caught leaves out some other important lessons. The episodes of ministers having affairs, handling family members promoting affairs, wife swapping, dealing with unwanted advances, and rebuilding your marriage after your spouses’ affairs are omitted.
In my mind, those are the episodes that touch on issues many of you are facing. Yet, they are conveniently omitted.
It’s no wonder that many pastors and congregations have questions about adultery when adulterous episodes and their lessons are omitted.
Therapists and counselors are not much better. Although many couples come into our offices in crisis regarding affairs, the topic is conveniently omitted at professional and educational conferences.
When those you go to for counsel don’t have the full story, how will they give it to you? When they are blanketed with convenient omissions when it comes to affairs, it’s no wonder they only have limited answers to the topic.
In the end, what’s left out is as important as what’s said. Omissions are part of the story. As a therapist, I must acknowledge those moments and fill in the gaps with knowledge, understanding, and experience.
It is my job to ensure that when couples come into my office hurting from an affair they get help for that issue. When you’re hurting from an affair, you want answers and practical guidance. This is where the “Affair Recovery Workshop” comes in. In the downloadable program, you’ll find practical direction in dealing with your situation.
The unique sequence takes you from the shock of D-Day through the working through part of affair recovery. Instead of having half-answers, you can instead have clear direction and guidance.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
