One of the uncomfortable aspects of affairs is that some cheaters use the affair as a way to avoid getting close to you. Using an affair in such a manner creates emotional distance and often sabotages the relationship. It is a passive way to destroy the relationship. There are often many motives for such sabotage behavior. In some cases, the cheater may not feel worthy of a relationship with you. They could also wanting to put distance between you and them without attacking you directly. They could also be following a family pattern of unhealthy relationships, or a host of other possibilities. Whatever their motivation, the result is the creation of distance. This distance allows them to avoid intimacy. You may think that everyone wants intimacy and enjoys intimacy. Truth be told, intimacy scares some people. Some people avoid intimacy at all costs. They run from getting close to people and close to you. They are scared of what you may do, or that you may not like what you discover. The paradox is that they want intimacy at the very time that they fear it. The cheater is often caught in a bind between the force drawing them to you and the force repelling them from you. This ‘no-man’s land’ of cheaters is hard for non-cheater to understand and accept.
When you encounter the ‘no-man’s land’ phenomena, you need to recognize the space for what it is. It is an attempt to create distance. It does not mean that you have failed or that you are unlovable. When you interpret the ‘no-man’s land’ phenomena as being unlovable or having failed, you will make wrong assumptions and do the wrong thing. When you encounter the space, it often feels like a wall. In such cases, your problems is not the ‘other’ but instead, it is the cheater’s avoidance of intimacy.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
