Affairs create times when you feel so overwhelmed, weak, and small, you may wonder what you can do to change anything. This happens often when you are faced with an affair. The actions of others impact your life and you wonder “What can I do?”
This is a difficult question to answer because there are so many variables. Affairs can impact people in different ways. Some may feel anger, betrayal, or sadness. Some people may feel like they need to take action and confront the person who had the affair. Others may feel like they need to take a step back and reassess their relationship.
Although you ask what you can do, if someone told you what to do, there’s a good chance you wouldn’t do it. If you are feeling defeated or powerless, that question is really about expressing your lack of power. When you feel powerless, you’ll resist anything that challenges this.
The reason for you either resisting or inaction, is the question that few people ask. That question is “Can the actions of one person change anything?” Until you answer this question, the other one is of limited use.
A recent email response contained a nugget of wisdom worth sharing with you. Through the years, I’ve made it a point of collecting stories and sayings that convey truth in a plain simple way. I am often amazed at how some people have a way of expressing great truths very simply.
One old counselor, former pastor and mentor which I called “Doc”, often said, “Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum!” He knew this from first-hand experience. He went through the aftermath of an affair and swam across the sea of overwhelming emotions.
He knew what it was like in facing drowning. He confronted his fears of failure, fears of success, and obsessing about what others thought.
Let me explain. When you start changing, it forces your spouse to change as well. This means “You” can start the healing process in your marriage whether or not your spouse is cooperating. The actions of one person changed your life, so why can’t your actions change their life as well?
“Can the actions of one person change anything?” In this case, the answer is a resounding “yes!”
This doesn’t mean your spouse will automatically change. What it does mean is that you can take action to start changing the dynamics in your relationship. This usually happens by taking care of yourself first.
When you finally believe that you can do something, then you’re ready to hear what will change your marriage relationship. When you start changing, that change is not limited to your immediate vicinity. It starts changing everything around you, including your spouse. That change can be either positive or negative. Truth be told, you’re always changing your spouse, it’s just that you may not realize it or how you’re doing it.
Moral of the story? When you tell yourself you’re “powerless”, nothing’s going to change for the better. When you tell yourself you can’t change anything, you’ve already given up.
Instead, consider telling yourself, “The change in my marriage starts here. I am taking steps to improve my marriage”. There are ways of improving your relationship, even when just one of you are doing anything. My “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program is filled with the best ways of starting those changes.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
