A couple of years ago, in the spring, my next-door neighbor moved out of his home. With Spring, many people make changes and new starts.
His moving out brings to mind some of the conversations I’ve had with him while he lived next door. Like Tim Allen’s character having conversations with his neighbor, Wilson in the show “Home Improvement”, I talked with Rob. Only in our case, we weren’t following a Hollywood script or talking over a fence.
On finding out I am a therapist focused on helping couples overcome affairs, he opened up about his marriage and affairs. Rob has been both betrayed and a lover of cheating wives. I always found his perspective on affairs enlightening. It amazed me how quickly he shifted from ‘affairs are bad’ when he was betrayed, to them not being such a big deal when he was in the role of the lover.
One conversation we had, Rob said to me “ affairs are like poker. You can’t win if you don’t play.” He was trying to explain how affairs can be seen as a way of getting something they may not feel they are getting at home. Affairs can be an attempt to fill a need in their lives.
I recall during another one of our conversations, he suddenly turned his head in a way indicating that the gears were shifting and said, “Jeff, it’s hard saying no when an attractive woman comes into your office and wants to sleep with you.”
Although he briefly entertained the idea that what he was doing wasn’t morally right, he found it hard saying no to such an offer, right there in front of him. He told me that it was a huge boost to his ego when those things happened. What amazed him was that it’s happened multiple times. Affairs were a way of getting affirmation and feeling wanted.
When people are in the role of the betrayed, they often see things very differently than those who are in the role of the lover. Affairs can provide something that is missing in their relationship. It can be an attempt to fill a need. The question then becomes, how can couples repair their marriages and get their needs met within that relationship.
He admitted that although he disapproves of affairs when those situations happened, he never even considered the morality of his choices or the effects they may have. Rob also shared that their husband’s still don’t know about what happened.
Rob is not alone in his experiences. Ego has tripped up many people. It’s hard saying no when it’s staring you in the face. When the offer is from someone who’s attractive, it’s even more challenging. What makes it challenging is that the seducing cheater appeals to base desires.
The combined offer of no strings attached sex with someone who’s physically attractive who finds you appealing is hard for many people to say no to. Resisting such a temptation requires strong character and in many cases, an exit plan.
When you or your spouse face such a situation, it’s too late to try formulating an exit plan on the spot. The time for coming up with an exit plan is before you’re in Rob’s situation. Rob didn’t think about moral choices when temptation walked into his office.
That’s why I created the “30 Days to a Better Marriage Program“. When your communication and relationship with your spouse is at its best, the risk of temptation is decreased. Having a strong connection with your spouse is the best way to Teflon coat you and your spouse from sticky situations like Rob’s. When your first thought is about how your choices impact your marriage rather than what boosts your ego, you make better choices and find it easier to say “No”.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
